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kailster (profile) wrote,
on 5-19-2005 at 11:45pm
Current mood: indifferent
Music: lifehouse - somewhere in between
"Sometimes you have to lose it all, to discover what it's all about."

today was a rainy day...kinda glad...needed a day to just chill and rest.

last night i spent with gary, we walked around our neighborhood like 10 times just talking about anything and everything. he made me feel a lot better though, but think at the same time about things...

i love chris, i always will. but i know that this happened for a reason, i know that i'm becoming a stronger person, that i'm realizing what i wanna do with my life, and i need this time...and i know if we were meant to be, it'll happen. it was great while it lasted, and all i can do is be strong and look back on it and say, hey that was fun we had some good times and i learned a lot, about love, about life, about myself...and mostly about him. i'm still trying to be mad and i can say shit about him to make myself feel better...but it's not working, and i know it's no use to do that. cuz yeah he's not perfect, but no one is. i don't wanna cry anymore, i don't wanna sit here every night looking at his picture and have tears because i miss him...and yes i will always miss him, and i know that he's started to move on...and you know what, i'm strong enough to move on too. I will always love chris, always, he was my first love, he treated me WONDERFUL, and i was lucky to spend two years of my life in a relationship with him, and more being his friend. I do hope that we can still be friends, but i know it will take time and be hard for us...I just know I can't be his friend if he doesn't want it. I'm thinking about writing him a letter...just to tell him how i feel and everything...but maybe i should say it to his face...i dunno, we'll see. I haven't seen him since we broke up...good thing, i've been a mess. But i'm a lot stronger, and i know if i face him, i will keep it together be myself, and show him that i'm fine. I'm living every day to it's fullest, and i'm happy with who I am...

on a better note, gary and i talked and it was good, he got things out he wanted to talk about and we both we're glad we're talking again, i'm excited for him to be done with school so we can hang out a lot and have fun :-) lol we decided we're gonna live together after college in a house, with a dog, but not get married and just date whoever...but do nice things for eachother too. lol he was very encouraging while we were talking, and i know that next year in college i'm gonna have a lot of fun and be able to meet a lot of people, and just do my own thing.

I talked to chris on the phone the other day, told him i had his books and asked if he wanted them...he said eventually...meaning he doesn't want them now cuz he doesn't want to see me lol i'm not dumb. but...we had a good convo, just kinda chatted...it was nice to talk to him. i told him to call me friday when he was off, told him we could meet up for lunch or something...just talk maybe. but...who knows...

i hung out with daren again today, that kid cracks me up. we had fun, went to the mall and he bought some shirts, then just chilled at his house and talked...it's so nice having guy friends to hang out with...i missed em...no drama, just whatever...lol

well i'm tired and kinda cold so i'm off to bed...i pray it doesn't rain tomorrow...i wanna go out tomorrow night :-P

k
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