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swimchica255 (profile) wrote,
on 5-27-2005 at 2:16am
Current mood: confused
Music: eagles-desperado
Subject: obligation
i've been really slacking on the journal writing lately. and i've found that i've been a little less happy in general. i think the two are correlated. i don't usually talk about anything too deep or private on here, but i feel like by putting all of my little useless thoughts down, i have more room for the bigger ones. i've been having major anxiety lately. i think it's just because i have so many thoughts running through my head. who knows.

i've been on a major health kick. i used to eat late at night all the time...junk food and stuff. now i don't at all, and i've been going to practice, doing abs, and running pretty much every day. gotta get ready for that triathlon, baby! i really need to work on the running, though. right now i'm at about 3.5 miles a day, and the triathlon i'm doing ends with a five mile run. the 3.5 is quite enough for me to handle, but i'm pretty confident that by july i'll be a lean, mean, triathlon-owning machine.

i really need to get a bike. since i've never done this triathlon before, i'm not sure if it's gonna be crazy hardcore topple-headfirst-over-a-cliff mountain biking or just one of those rigorous-type rides with a couple hills and whatnot. we'll see what happens.

i've been coaching tsc every day, which is kind of fun. it's weird having a higher place in the tsc heirarchy. not that that entails much power or anything, but i like the responsibility. this weekend is memorial day weekend, and you know what that means, kids: the k-pool opens! for the fifth year in a row, memorial day weekend marks the beginning of summer and the end of my life.

once everyone's outta school and the pool is open everyday, i'm gonna be there like 87 hours a day. starting at like 5 in the morning. fuck.

my family is driving me insane. i'll break down each member and what they are doing to annoy the hell out of me. well....not counting my dad. he's the only one i haven't wanted to kill since i've been home. we'll start with my mom. you'd think that after living with me for 18 years she'd realize that i'm a sarcastic person. i make fun of other people for being idiots. i make fun of myself for being an idiot. i say things that i don't mean, with an obviously sarcastic and not serious tone. i don't know. i like to joke around. my mom seems to think that i'm all of a sudden being mean to her. and then she gets pissed. yells at me. whatever...it's just not worth my time to argue back. i feel much less the subject of my parents' authority, too. something about being away from them for the past year makes it very hard to take anything they say seriously. anyways, moving on. kyle. god, he is stupid. and so are his friends. just total dumbasses. immature. i am sick of having hormonally raging teenage boys sitting in my living room, eating all my food, farting and talking about getting wasted. ugh. they are just dumb and annoying. haha. i love my brother, but sometimes the things that come out of his mouth are ridiculous. finally, max. the newly turned seven-year-old has decided to adopt a new voice. actually he has just turned his whining voice into his all the time voice. it's so fucking annoying i want to hurt someone. he literally whines constantly. nothing can make him stop. ever. and god forbid he doesn't get exactly what he wants. then he'll just cry. basically the same whiny tone just with tears. i think my parents have become immuned to it over the past year, because they don't say anything about it. all i know is, if my kid ever whines at me like that, he's gonna get NOTHING that he asks for. NOTHING. once again, i love my family, but i cannot stand living with them anymore.

which brings me to my major point. i hate trenton. i hate the high school gossip, i hate the parents who take part in it, i hate the spoiled, ignorant kids who think they know everything cause they're in high school, and that means you know everything. i hate that there is nothing to fricking do around here besides sitting around with the same five people and getting wasted. not to say that i don't drink or party, cause i did all the time while i was at school, but if you're just gonna sit in a room and drink beers to get drunk with your two friends, it's retarded.

it's funny, because i want to get out of trenton so badly and go back to ann arbor, but i also really don't want to go back to ann arbor. for some reason, i can kick the crap out of myself when i work out alone, but when i have to do it, twice a day, every day, i get really depressed and my body breaks down. last year was an intro for me, and i'd never trained like that before, so it was really hard on me. this year's gonna be just as difficult, if not harder, and a lot more competitive. not that i was ever able to compete much with most of the girls anyways, but i'm not sure how much more intensity i can take. if it's the same as last year was, then fine, i can do it. i just don't know how hard it has to be before i'll fall apart. last year at this time, i was having a similar mental conversation, wondering whether or not i would be able to handle what lied ahead of me, and i could. so, i guess i should just keep my head up and know that i can do it.

but i don't want the stress of swimming and school at the same time. i wish i could drop out. in europe, kids take a "gap year" after graduation, where they travel, or do missionary work, or whatever it is that helps them find themselves. i wish we had that. i could really use a break. my head is exploding with thoughts, and i go from hardcore self-motivation to totally unmotivated within minutes. i dunno what's going on with me.

so, i'm supposed to get my wisdom teeth pulled next friday, but i doubt it's gonna happen. why? because my consultation with dr. bliss revealed that the removal of these teeth would cost a nice, tidy 1300 dollars. screw that. i cannot afford that, my parents cannot afford that. we cannot afford that. it's at times like these that i wish i was filthy rich. then 1300 dollars wouldn't even matter.

speaking of money, i need to make some. a lot of it. this summer. hopefully by the end of the summer i'll have earned around 5000 bucks. hopefully. and if i make more, that would be even better. my life seems to be dominated by the threat of poverty, or maybe to put it better, by the prospect of wealth. i want so badly not to have to worry about money. it would just make everything so much simpler.

anyways, i think i've gotten enough out of my brain for one night. i feel better already.

<3 samantha
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