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mle (profile) wrote,
on 6-23-2005 at 8:02am
Current mood: . thoroughly confused .
Music: . my chemical romance . thank you for the venom .
. dude, what is my problem?

marcus finally came over last night. he's been cooped up in his house for more than 2 wks because of breaking his ankle/surgery. poor kid. but he got to ride in my beautiful new escape. fully loaded. 2003 w/ only 2200 miles on it. it's ok to be jealous.
anyways - i was shocked he took me up on my offer for a movie night. this is the kid who refuses to help me in any way or talk in general because he thinks it will help him deal with me... 9 months after the breakup. but i'm glad he did. this injury has given me an excuse to keep checking up on him and his mental sanity.

and i've been thinking.

i'm super-disappointed in myself. like, marcus made me ask my parents to go see a counselor again... but it's like, i'm not doing any of the bad things i used to. i mean, not even the typical teenager bad things. i rarely drink or smoke or do any of that stuff. as soon as i told my mom, she instantly inquired about any self-destructive habits. i mean, unless you consider negative self-talk, hating yourself, or skipping a couple meals, i'm totally clean. i doubt she believed me, though.
but that was almost 2 wks ago. and i haven't called this office to talk to someone about scheduling an appt. i just can't bring myself to do it. it's not like "hi, i think i have depression," or "hi, i'm hearing voices." it's like "hi, i have low self-esteem." haha. a little awkward. and silly. and totally middle-school. either way, it's not worthy of paying money to talk to someone.

oh, you missed out on the lucass extravaganza. i'll spare you details, but we actually had a chance to chat a few nights ago because everyone left early (like 1130 creepy-early). sure, he was drunk, like always, but what he said keeps sticking in my mind. like, i know we've always had a little thing... but for him to tell me that he wished i didn't have to go back to lansing in the fall... and that whenever i get out of school (mmm 7-9 years from now), to come find and marry him... and that every time he sees me, he's dying just trying to restrain himself from kissing me...
it was nice at the time. i mean, who can resist being called beautiful? and being told that someone loves you?
but now, looking back, i can't bring myself to respond to his im's or his phone calls. i don't know what it is, but something he said just triggered something inside of me, and now i can't bring myself to want to go over there anymore. maybe it was the marriage proposal...


and how do i get it across to him... when i can't even muster the courage to ask him to hang out non-business now that we're out of the dorms?

doubt is the worst thought process ever invented.
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