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|highlyevolved (profile) wrote, |
on 6-23-2005 at 7:53pm
|Music: garbage :: bleed like me
Subject: a letter ovedue
|So...where to begin?
It's funny...thinking back to why I started journaling online. It was to be open and honest about my deepest rhoughts and my emotions, but I've looked back on recent entries and realized that I have been holding back immensely. What once was a sanctuary is now far too open, and maybe that's because I've started closing down my entire life. I'm experiencing so much change at such a rapid pace, and everything feels daunting. Is all this sudden surge of emotion resulting from my accumulation of my thoughts? The world around me is not the same as it was. No where near it. I can't trust the people I once good, I can't even be open with the people who I thought understood me. There is this prevailing awkward silence, a barrier, that is in all my relationships. Even the small efforts I do make, it just feels superficial. The distance between me and the rest of the world feels like lightyears. I can't speak without thinking or planning my sentences. Trying to say the right things, cover up my flaws. I can't be honest because when I'm honest I bring people down. No one likes listening to a manic-depressed seventeen year old suburbanite who has everything at her feet but can't figure how to bend down and pick it up. I avoid being honest because I don't want to be that girl...that girl who no one wants to be around. But I am that girl. And at the same time, I know other people have doubts like me, but they don't admit it. It's so frusterating knowing someone out there could relate to you, but they're too ashamed to say "I'm human" or "I have problems, too". I'm trapped in a world that conceals every shread of "bad" emotions...and all I need right now is for someone to be honest. An honest person, which I can't even think of anyone I know who is honest. All I see is lies. Is growing up this difficult for everyone? I'm just so sick of being isolated for what ever reason it is.
Anyway...before I get consumed in spilling my life across the internet, I went to Rockford, IL this past weekend to see my grandad. As annoying as it it to drive to IL, it's well worth the trip. I'm really happy that I got to see my relatives and visit the University of IL-Urbana Champaign campus. GOOD LORD IS THAT SCHOOL HUGE!!! But as always, this trip just makes me home sick. I wish I could get into Northwestern or University of Chicago so I could be closer to my family. But since my SAT scores are nowhere near where they need to be, that probably won't happen. Sometimes I wish things were easy..
And just to make me feel even MORE confused...
How am I ever going to decide who to vote for in 2008?