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|SeraphimRhapsody (profile) wrote, |
on 6-26-2005 at 9:41pm
|Current mood: reflective
Music: Andy, You're a Star ~The Killers
Subject: someday.....someday has come
| Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
I've been trying to figure out the name of that book forever!! I miss that book. Do you remember it? It defined my young schoolar years.
Yes, I finally found her again. Both of them. They were my best friends. If I've ever been asked who my best friends are, I'll still name them. (Take no offense, I don't like the labels so I don't narrow down any of my friends into that category. Just them.) I haven't seen them in.....10 years. 10. A whole decade.
And she was still ecstatic to hear from me. Ecstatic to see me. It's a good thing she's more decisive than I am. Yesterday after she sang for church I met her. I was walking toward Rotelli's on Atlantic to meet her I hit one intersection and BAM there's this girl walking down toward me. Something made me stop, but I didn't know, I wasn't sure. I was dumbfounded. She kept repeating "Kristen?" you know, to be sure it was me but it took me a good couple seconds to return to reality.
She looked different. But she was still Caroline.
It was weird....sitting in that restaurant talking to her. Every now and then we'd both stop and one of us would say how strange it was. But I loved it. I've not been that happy in so long.
Ever since I left I've wanted to see them again. Every year I'd plan to find them. Plan to hunt them down and reconnect with them. But I never did. I always doubted if they remembered me. If they would want to see me again.
It was second grade when I left. I always wondered if they'd ask why. She did. I hate why. I don't understand why. I've always regretted why. It haunts me.
We had a few awkward moments, but we found things to talk about. After dinner and icecream we hooked up with 2 of her friends from church. They were nice but I was at a bit of a disadvantage. We all sat on the stage and chatted. It was relaxing. But I couldn't help looking over at her still being stunned that it was really her.
I still can't believe it.
And when she gets back from Europe, I'll finally see Meerali again. I've missed her so much.
You never forget that very first friend. The very first best friend.
DID YOU KNOW ATLANTIC AVENUE HAS A COLDSTONES NOW?!?!!?!
This was major crucial news to me! I had no idea! So close.....so very close...
It's a perfect location too, corner of Atlantic and Swinton. Crazy.
There's this one person...one person. You know those people who make a mark on your life? And you for some reason have this very strange bond? Like it's someone you know you can talk to about anything and everything. But this one, I would never have figured we would have that connection. He's got to be one of my most randomest friends. But we do. He played a key part through a number of times in my high school life.
And for me, these people that mean so much to me, I feel the urge to say something to them. One phrase. One meaningful phrase. But's a very very very personal extremely meaningful phrase for me. And incredibly risky. If they don't follow through with it, everything will be destroyed. There's been a number of people who I can't imagine not having around, not being close to, but there has only been one time when I got myself to say it. Say it and mean it. Say it and mean it and hope.
I was so sure he'd stop. So sure he'd drift away, let time pass, let go.
But he's here. Why is he still here? I don't know if he has any idea how much it means to me when he IMs me out of the blue. Even when there's nothing to talk about. He's always there for me. Always online, always will respond when he can. I can ask him anything about anything. And I'm positive about that. Completely content about that. Anything of his personal life, his past, his family, his experiences, his knowledge. I don't know why he's so willing to be so open with me. I don't know why there's this bond. All of a sudden he could see inside me. He could see all of my secrets and all of my lies and all of my pain. And stayed there.
I asked him. I told him. "You can't ever leave me. Please, don't ever leave me."
Who wouldn't get scared of that and run? Who would understand the meaning behind that?
Who can guess at the points of facing death beneath that? The levels of leaving? The need for his stability in order to support my own.
Sometimes I can't even fathom it all.
But I am always thankful for him staying with me.
"What you're feeling is premature enlightenment. This is the greatest moment of your life and you're off somewhere, missing it. Our fathers were our models for God. And, if our fathers bailed, what does that tell us about God? Listen to me. You have to consider the possibility that God doesn't like you, he never wanted you.In all probability, He hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen... We don't need him.. Fuck damnation. Fuck redemption. We are God's unwanted children, with no special place and no special attention, and so be it. You can go to the sink and run water over your hand. Look at me. Or you can use vinegar to neutralize the burn, but first you have to give up. First, you have to know that someday, you are going to die.Until you know that, you will be useless. Congratulations. You're a step closer to hitting bottom."
Hooray for reaching the bottom. Let's plan a party.
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