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|mle (profile) wrote, |
on 7-8-2005 at 10:53am
|Current mood: . undecided .
Music: . frou frou . let go .
ok ok ok. i know it's super-stereotypical, but i finally read the perks of being a wallflower, and it was amazing. i was kind of annoyed by it toward the end, but i was surprised at how much i could relate to charlie as the book unfolded. obviously, i'm no super-awkward constantly-harassed completely-friend-less person, but it really hit home. and made me realize how much of a passive aggressive person i am.
which is scary.
and lately... i've been perfecting the artform of biting my tongue. sure, i did it all last year with people i met at state, but eventually, i stopped talking to marcus about things too. now, it seems i can't talk to anyone about anything. like i spent about 15 minutes talking to my sister on the phone last night (because they unexpectedly decided to close the pools to repaint, which left me with a few days off when i was looking forward to throwing myself into work) and even though i didn't really get into anything involving me (just my relationships with those 3 silly boys), it was the most i've told anyone in months. seriously.
it breaks my heart, too. because i constantly want to talk, but when it comes down to it, i know my stupid insecurities are not worth someone's time. especially someone like ken. he kinda pushed me to talk to him online a couple nights ago.. and i gave him a few generalizations and called it quits. i keep thinking that if we were in person, i would open up. but i know it's not true. the dangerous combination of my boy-issues and my self-issues would totally drive him away.
it seems the only person i have ever been able to talk to about myself is marcus (a little). and, occasionally, on here. which doesn't count.
why am i socially inept?
ken asked me to explain that. of course, i gave him some generalization like "i screw up everything." i thought it was pretty self-explanatory: i am a social retard. and i never have any idea what to do about it. i try to do the things that i feel i should (things that, looking back, i'd be disappointed if i didn't), but a lot of times, it's just not as good as i had expected. i'm too awkward to have fun. and not like "hey- look at me, i can't even form a full sentence." it's like "hey- i can't keep friendships or get attached to anyone but boyfriends, and no one seems to miss me when i'm not around... so what the hell is wrong with me?"
if you haven't noticed, i live with a lot of guilt/regret.
a hell of a lot of it.