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mle (profile) wrote,
on 7-16-2005 at 10:16am
Current mood: . heavy-hearted .
Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .
Subject:
. i don't know how much more i can handle .


i don't know what to do with myself anymore. it seems like more and more often, i catch myself thinking "i just want to be home, curled up in bed, crying myself to sleep." at completely inappropriate times, like while guarding at the pool. especially while at guarding at the pool.

and all i want to do is throw myself into work... but i only have 3 hrs today, none tomorrow, and 3 hrs again on monday. it's bizarre: if i'm at home, i wish i were working to be productive, busy, accomplished. i can't seem to make enough money. but when i'm at work, or on break, all i think of is how much i hate where i'm at in life.

and someone please explain to me this tradition of financial freedom from parents once you go to college. it does not make sense. sure, i'm already a year in, and i pay 25% of all the big things i do (trips, school) and spending cash while i'm out in EL, but now they're trying to cut me off completely. i mean, gas money and all. not cool. at all. i make like $4500 a year, if that. and i paid almost that much toward school/books last year. sure, this year will be cheaper, being an res mentor and all, but still... my parents make way more than enough to share with me. especially because i'm the baby and brian and lisa have real jobs now.
ok i'm just sounding selfish and whiny, but i'm trying to figure out the logic of this "norm." and i can't.

stephy was right: i wear my heart on my sleeve. i can't pull the "play it cool" thing, and i hate when people go to extremes to do it.

i hate where i'm at.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.

i just want to tell you. to reaffirm the fact that you don't feel the same way, and no one ever will because i'm an overweight, disgusting, insecure, obsessive moron that is incapable of keeping friendships because no one wants to be around me for more than a few months.
but for some odd reason, i want you to know. i doubt you need the confidence boost, but i just want to tell you.
ugh, i'm so ridiculous.
i'm a total mess.

i don't even know how i'd tell you.
i try to drop hints. no i don't. i don't know.
but you were supposed to call me some night you were free after work and willing to stay up later than you normally do on nights before you have to work early... and that was a week and a half ago. and i'm going out of my mind.

it's making me want to hate you.

i can't handle this life anymore.
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