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Jaganshi (profile) wrote,
on 7-25-2005 at 5:01pm
I feel like I should say something. Something about drinking alone, something about wanting to drink a white russian instead of coffee with my morning can of ravioli. Something about Raven from Teen Titans. Something about Dawn or Eve or Myrnal or one of the other RP plots I'm devising.

Something about feeling lonely... or maybe feeling like I should be lonely. I don't know if I am. I was in a room by myself for the past couple of days, and I liked it. Except for meals, I didn't see anyone if I didn't want to. I like being alone. The only reason I can be around Brian no matter what is that he's not an extra person like these people are. He's an extension of myself. The only difference between being alone and being with Brian is that instead of being the voice in my head that never lets me be lonely he's right there. Like wearing my hair down as opposed to tied back. I'm forced to recognize that it's there and why I grew it in the first place. Being around Brian forces me to remember why he's the most important figure in my life. I'm rambling. I know it. I'll stop this subject until someone wants more details and forces me to clarify. I know this makes no sense but I'm too tired from looking at numbers to tell exactly how.

There are things to say.

There are things I miss, and things I wish I could bring myself to miss. Things I wish I could care about.

I was thinking about Caleb the other day. I'm so glad he's gone. I never thought I'd be happy never to see someone again. Usually I've got some snide remark, some driving urge to have the last word, to finally win, to deliver the coup de grace... but not with him. I just want him to stay gone. I'm not bitter anymore, though I probably would be if he ever showed up. I just... don't care. The girl who loved him until her mind broke is dead. I killed her myself. If Caleb wants to visit her grave he's entitled. But he wouldn't like what he found.

I'm happy now. In a way that would never have been possible with him. The difference? Brian loves me. He loves me. And that's worth everything.

Link is having a son. A son that I'll probably never meet. I don't know how to feel about that. If I were his girlfriend, I probably wouldn't want my fiance's ex-girlfriend hanging around, so I definitely understand. It's just... he is my friend. I could never have loved him romantically, but he needed me, and he had no one else to take up his cross for a long time. No one but me. I can't help but feel like I got him away from Tara and got him to the point where he could be with someone else. I was never dating him. He never loved me. He loved me like nicotine gum. But I took care of him for a while until someone else could give him what he wanted. He was in danger because of Tara. He's still here because of me. I don't entirely approve of what he's done with his second chance, but he had it. Not everyone does. He had a chance. And now he's having a son.

So. What do I do now? Go back to my hotel room, have a drink. Watch some TV. Wait for tomorrow to come so that I can get online and continue gamemastering. I enjoy it. I feel like in the midst of all the spreadsheets and numbers and geophysical equipment I'm creating something. I hope I can live up to what I've started.

So... I don't know what else to say. Comment with questions, comments, points of clarification, whatever you wish. Don't be shy. LJ is for me to vent my weird rantings. It's also for you to see if you choose. I share the feelings that don't matter in the long run, being mere chemical fluctuations in my brain. The chemicals pass and they're irrelevant again. But for now, for the sake of thorough records... here they are.
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