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mle (profile) wrote,
on 7-29-2005 at 7:59am
Current mood: . calm .
Music: . goo goo dolls . sympathy .
Subject:
. welp, that's that .


misery.

but at least i know now, right?

but it's misery in a i-can't-feel-it-or-anything-else-for-that-matter kinda way. the movie didn't meet expectations. it was fucking cold out. ms76 lead to his anti-liberal chatter. coming back home until 4am just proved more awkward.

he touched me.

as in he grabbed my foot in a moment of passion answering something or another. and later he used me as a pillow, his hand brushing against my foot. with his eyes following my path of sight, i decided to be a big kid.

i told him.
in my tell-and-then-brush-off sort of way.
like "i'm really into you, but i know you're too good for me"
blah blah blah. he knew.

he never said yes or no... but we all know that means no. he more went along the lines of "i knew. don't think i didn't think about you that way too..."
blah blah blah.
stop touching me.

i want you out.
so he went home.
and i collapsed against the front door.
and tossed and turned for 3.5 hrs... until now.


and now i'm here.
and i have nothing left.

sure he's still there.. and he's an amazing guy. a ridiculously intelligent guy. but some of his perspectives on life make me uber-depressed and want to get him to snap out of it. happiness is necessary. for yourself. that's what makes the world go round.
i'd live my life of super-high to super-low than his of monotous day-in and day-out.

sometimes, i'd really like to just slap some sense into people.

but it doesn't matter. because now i know.
i was a fool all along.

i don't know what to do with myself. am i supposed to act normal- because this is what i expected. am i supposed to act relieved- because marcus doesn't think i'm anywhere near ready for a relationship (and he has some valid points). am i supposed to act upset- because there is not a soul on the face of the earth who would ever find anything in me attractive.

i choose door number 3.


"i feel like there's a wall between me and you"
(pre-confession)
duh. you already know how i feel about my academic failures.. but that doesn't give you an all-access behind-the-scenes pass into my self-hatred and other failings.
fuck you and your perfectness. in your ability to talk without choking on every fucking word that rolls off your tongue.

don't ever touch me again.
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