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kiwi (profile) wrote,
on 8-13-2005 at 11:18am
Current mood: unmotivated
Music: Secondary- Brand New
Subject: *shurg*
I feel so unmotivated right now. There are all these things to do around me. I wouldn't have to even get up to do most of them. Some I need to do some I want to do... but, I just, don't want to right now. I'd rather jsut sit around and just listen to this radio station and ignore any resposibilties or tasks laying around me. I don't want to read, don't want to surf the net (it's been getting progressively more boring to me), i don't want to draw, don't wan tto practice for band camp, don't want to work on the stuff for the swap (done with most of it though), don't want ot get dressed, don't want to sleep, don't want to eat, don't relly wnat to move. I hate this. It jsut doesn't work. There are so many things I want to do, either with my life or just before school starts, but these unmotivated periods are so frequent I feel like I'll never get anything done. And despite the fact I know that I can't do anything about it. Because if I force myself to do it, I just... won't. I'll do it for all of five minutes, then decide I'm too bored and drift back to nowhere. Shouldn't there be something i always want to do? Something that even when I'm feeling unmotivated sounds intresting? Why can't I find it? Isn't there supposed to be that one thing that will mnake me feel better or invovled, or... just, I don't know feel? I don't really feel like anything right now. My brain is buzzing with a vague pain. Maybe it's because i've been avoiding my thoughts lately because they've been to painful to think about. I keep feeling weird things about my friends. The things I should be thinking about are jsut not what I want to. Right now I'd prefer to be in denial and ignoring those presistant thoughts knocking at my concious door. Without somehtign that intrests me it gets harder adn harder to ignore them. I'm not ready for those thoughts though... I know what they are and I don't want to except what I'm thinking. It's probably wrong anyway. And since it's about feeling like I'm distancing myself from people to aviod them leaving me for other people, or jsut my stupid insecurites I don't really wnat to talk about it to my friends... because I'm sure the response will be something like "we'd never leave you Katie" or some stupid shit like that. I know what they are going to say, and I know I'll probably won't talk to most of them when I'm in college and even less when I'm out of college... so what the fuck is the point of thinking of this. But this doesn't change the buzzing in my head. Maybe I just need to suck it up and do something.
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