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fallenfaces (profile) wrote,
on 8-15-2005 at 3:56pm
Subject: That girl.
I've realized I have caused this journal to be a very depressing place to visit. The majority of all my writings are ramblings of a depressed, empty girl. And that's not all I am. I am depressed, but not empty at all. I always said there was a difference between being sad and being depressed. I think sadness is a very short period of time. Your cat dying, losing your favorite shirt,or failing a class for example. And depression is when you're happy for short periods of time, but in the end every day closes with sadness. Which is the case for me. That feeling of happiness always fades. But, this is just a phase. I won't be like this forever. I'll be happy all the time and have short periods of sadness sooner or later. So, I have accepted the fact that I am depressed. But, I'm not about to turn to pills or suicide. I know I'm not in the deepest form of depression, hence me not hurting myself physically. A lot of people are much more depressed than I am. So there is a bright side, for me anyway. Not for them.

Church has really been hitting home lately. I hold everything that has been said to be very true and I want to practice it. I have to respect Brad even if he doesn't love me and he has to love me even if I don't respect him. We have to make compromises. He needs days with just the guys and I needs days with just the girls. We have to be okay with giving certain things up for the other. I have to do things for him and he has to do things for me. We have to connect. It's all very hard. Trust me, but I'm willing to do it all. I'm willing to become happy again. I want to be that girl he used to write poems about. That girl he used to get chills from just feeling her touch. That girl he wanted to spend every second with. I want to be that girl. That girl. If I could be her again it'd be a dream. I think I'd be happy again. I long for love and to be loved. I long to feel loved. I long to be in love.
I want him to feel like he's the best thing wearing pants (as the pastor says). I guess I have to venerate and cherish his ego and quirks. I have to show him respect. I have to forget his past and turn his heart back to mine. Because mine's stuck and his is lost. I just want him. All of him.

Anyway, I want to make this a happier place. But, it's hard when I'm not a happier person. School will be starting soon. That could either help or hurt. I hope to God it helps. I'm growing up, now it's your turn.
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