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|swimchica255 (profile) wrote, |
on 8-16-2005 at 1:56pm
|Music: dashboard-hands down
|hmmmm, where should i begin. i guess i just made some mental observations about my decision to become agnostic. if you read my journal, then you know that a few months ago i researched agnosticism and decided that agnostic principles pretty much match up with the way i think/feel. so, since then, i've been openly agnostic. i've noticed that there are some major pros and cons with the decision i made. not that any of these are of importance to the people who are reading my journal, but i feel like putting them down in writing.
first of all, life is WAY easier when i don't have to stand around and pretend to be christian or still claim some attatchment to any of those ideas, and i guess i just like having some group that i can identify with....although i will point out one negative....telling people that you don't really believe in a god gets some pretty negative reactions out of others. for instance, when i had a conversation with my mom and dad about it, they seemed almost angry at me or disappointed, which i would never have expected. they are two of the least religious people you will ever meet, but they still managed to try and bully me into believing in God. i can tell everyone right now, bullying me into a belief is the quickest route to making me straight up hate religion. i still haven't told most people about it...i mean, if they ask, i'd be sure to answer truthfully, but i feel like walking up to my grandma and telling her that i'm agnostic is like asking to be punched in the face. both would pretty much suck. i have enough to worry about without worrying that my grandmother is afraid i'll go to hell. she would be so incredibly sad and disappointed in me, and she loves me so much that i could never bring myself to tell her that. it's just not worth it to me.
one thing that's bad about being an agnostic is that i don't have anyone to pray to. not that i ever prayed before, but there have been a few points in the past couple of months that i've felt pretty helpless about certain bad situations, and there's really not much i can hope for with the exception of my own actions. i can see why a lot of atheists and agnostics are a little on the pessimistic side. i mean, if you believe that nothing can stop all the bad shit in the world from happening, then your outlook has to be pretty grim, right? i, for one, refuse to adopt a pessimistic view of the world just because i'm not positive that God exists.
being agnostic has also made me a little scared. i mean, what if there really is a God? i have never put that possibility down, but what if i die, and on judgement day i'm sentenced to an eternity in hell because i spent my life as a nonbeliever? obviously, that would suck. i guess i either need to be a brave nonbeliever or a wimp who pretends to believe. i'd rather be brave. if there is a god(ess), wouldn't he/she be smart enough to realize that because humans have free will, they are not so stupid that they should just accept everything written in this mysterious book? i don't know where i'm going with this. i guess it's just that religion is shoved down my throat so often, and in every aspect of society, that it's easy to think you really will go to hell if you don't believe in god(ess).
i don't really claim to believe or not believe in anything. i mean, there are scientific explanations for everything, and i believe it all, pretty much straight down to the big bang, when everything supposedly started. but how did it all really begin? why are scientific truths true at all? there has to be some aspect of miracle residing in everything. i look at a newborn baby, so tiny, and so full of possibility at the same time, having started at just a miniscule egg, and although i understand and believe all of the scientific principles behind the formation of this child, i also believe that there has to be a reason for everything. and i really mean everything, from the first microorganism to the frickin dinosaurs. science explains how it happens, and i do not deny that those processes occurred, but why do those happen the way they do, and what caused them. i guess what i'm trying to say is that even though i don't necessarily believe in a god(ess), i believe that there has to be some power higher than just science. the universe just wouldn't make any sense to me if there wasn't. i guess my goal now would be to decide what i think that power or existence or magic actually is. maybe i don't have to know. maybe i should just be content in existing. i think that's a good way to think of it.
i'm happy now...i always make good philosophical progress when i'm writing in my journal.