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mle (profile) wrote,
on 8-31-2005 at 11:08pm
Current mood: . miserable .
Music: . third eye blind . good for you .
Subject:
. long time no post .


yea. the RA life has been interesting, to say the least. more some other time, i suppose.

it's all in your mind, she said
the darkness and the light
. third eye blind . thanks a lot .

i'm not going to lie - it's been a struggle to get through each day. especially since RA training started 2 weeks ago. especially since classes started 2 days ago.

i'm completely miserable.

and lonely.

and a failure at anything i could ever possibly think of.

i was telling marcus earlier... every single positive thing that's happened has had a negative thing follow immediately.
por ejemplo: my brother mentor (RA), rob, is an awesome guy. totally cool, helpful, etc. we talk a few times a day and eat together almost every day. but the more i talk to him, the worse i feel about myself and my life. he just seems to have everything together, seems to be in control, to have it made. he's got loads of friends, keeps in contact w/ tons of people from high school, smart, spirited, spiritual, cute, athletic. blah blah blah. me? oh yea - i'm that worthless blob that sits in her room all day, wavering back and forth whether or not she can sneak the door shut and cry herself into yet another nap.

i feel like my entire existence is leaning on marcus.
sure, i talk to ken a little. but i haven't in a while.

and based upon his reaction when he told me that one of our mutual friends almost pulled the trigger earlier in the year.. i have a feeling he'd freak if i told him that i think about it every day.

every
single
day.

i tried talking to my mom a week or so back. just played it as homesickness (which it kinda is).
she kinda freaked out too. then changed the topic uncomfortably.

i can't seem to help it. i have no reason to feel happy.
i hate where i'm at in life, and i hate myself.

and reading about suicide for my social relations class isn't helping.
"if life is not worth the trouble of being lived, everything becomes a pretext to rid ourselves of it."

that first part hit me hard


"if life is not worth the trouble of being lived..."

i'm pretty sure that point's already been passed... a few miles back, in fact.
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