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|mle (profile) wrote, |
on 9-9-2005 at 3:54pm
|Current mood: . green with envy .
Music: (office space in spanish)
the time of day where i hate everything.
oh wait... that's more like 12+ hours of the day.
i'm sick of feeling this way. i effing hate wishing i were someone else, living someone else's life. but it's true. and it seems like the harder i push myself to just keep a positive attitude and keep my head up, the more fake i feel, which leads me to feel even worse about the whole situation.
i still think about it.
but the disgusting thing is... i don't want to end my life. i just don't want to be myself. if that makes any sense in the least.. it's like... life would be great - if i were someone else. at this point, almost anyone else..
i guess i could share a cute little story with you. bring a little warm-fuzzies your way.
the only night i was out here at state last weekend, i couldn't find anything to do. my friend jesse kept trying to get me to go to some house party, but i hate going places like that where i basically know no one. so i kept turning him down. well, he just happened to mention that ken (who just happens to be his roomie) was staying in and cleaning. so i call ken and invite myself over. it's funny, because ken thought that jesse was making everyone call him out of pity, but in this case, it was more of it "ken, will you hang out w/ me bc i'm a loser?". either way, it worked out well. especially when he turned off his phone and aim bc he didn't want to talk to anyone else.
and bc it was labor day weekend, i could stay out overnight w/o it counting against me, so i just crashed out there. we stayed up super-late, as expected with ken-emily nights. i adore talking w/ that kid. i mean, we flipped through some of his baby pictures and family pictures, and talked politics and futures and the group dynamics of sfl and megan and blah blah blah... i can't put it into words, but there's just something about having a real conversation with a real person who really cares.
i guess that's a good word for him - genuine.
and we semi-cuddled when we slept.. even though i barely slept, it was totally worth it. it felt so right. even if this goes nowhere (which is probably, unfortunately the case), just having him in my life in this manner is amazing.
fall in love all over again
i'm a lot like you, so please
hello - i'm here, i'm waiting
i think i'd be good for you
and you would be good for me
. weezer . el scorcho .
it was hilarious when jesse and the other roomies came home from that party, too. they all stripped down to their boxers, and jesse like pounced on me. just imagine a very-drunk, big burly yooper jumping on top of you in his boxers. hilarious, yet exceedingly scary.
oh, and ps - i got to be in a group w/ cute-boy from spanish today. made eye-contact and laughed when we realized we were totally off. stupid crazy-changing verbs. but yea - he's dreamy