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mle (profile) wrote,
on 9-11-2005 at 3:44pm
Current mood: . lazy .
Music: . 19 wheels . i want you here .
Subject:
. hate the game AND the players .


i would just like to state that i am effing sick of reading about memorials and their impact on society and blah blah blah. stupid madison class.

anyways..
it's been an interesting weekend, to say the least.
thursday night, that one guy came over. the stalker. oh geez- what is his name?! jacob. and no, i'm not kidding - it took a full 3 minutes and a scan of my recent calls list to remember it. regardless, i don't plan to see him again. his gecko was about 10 times cooler than him. and, according to emily w's advice, it's better to have nothing at all then something mediocore.

friday night i went to a party over at ken and jesse's.. let's just say that before i even got there, i had already had some popov, merlot, champaigne, and coors light. upon arrival, i was given a complimentary house-glass and the keg beer started flowing. i was a mess.
ended up spending some time in nader's room (one of the roomies).
ken came home at some point in the night. i don't think i even said hi or really talked to him until some ungodly-early hour, when jesse and james finished off their grilled cheese and decided it was bedtime.
to be honest, i didn't think he was going to let me sleep in his room bc of the nader thing.
but he did. and we did the whole stay-up-late-talking thing. i don't remember a whole lot of it, which is about enough to make me swear off booze-then-ken for the rest of my life. i want to remember those moments. or, rather, hours.
and we cuddled.

and the only word i can manage is *smile*

and none of this half-assed cuddling that happened last weekend. this was like hard-core cuddling. like... we were both totally awake by like 9, and we just laid around till noon, knowing full well that neither of us was going to fall asleep again. no tv, no music (aside from the roomies playing the fight song pre-tailgate). just silence. or us talking. or his heartbeat.
and i wish i could stay in that moment for forever.

the ride back to the dorms sucked.

and on top of it, marcus is being ridiculous. idk what happened, but i thought we were totally cool. he seemed super-excited to hang out w/ me when i went home last weekend, but before the game, he was calling nonstop and yelling and hanging up and being demanding and outrageous. drama like what. all i wanted was to prolong my happiness...
so then i showered, ate a little brunch, and wandered over to the tennis courts to find jesse drunk all over again at tailgate. so we go to the game an hour early. i feel like i'm going to die, either from exhaustion/dehydration/overheating or from jesse's nonstop hitting-on-me, and leave right after kickoff for a nice little nap and rehydration. but when i left, he was like "hey, give me a kiss" so i gave him a kiss on the cheek. and he was like "no no, a real kiss" and i just laughed and left. but the way he said it... it made me think of when mark used to make little demands like that... and it really scared me.
he came back at halftime and crashed on my futon for a few hours, until we left to go out again. (i will discuss how much i hate days like this at a later time)
but he said some things to me that i haven't been able to shake. silly drunk jesse telling sober me the disgusting things that guys do/say/think. apparently, early friday night, him and nader made a little game plan - nader had dibs on me. WTF? i could not believe that the conversation had actually occurred, but jesse wouldn't lie about stuff like that.
and you gotta love his comments about how i've "already slept with half the apartment - james and i are just waiting for you to get around to us." wow. that's another slap-then-jaw-drops. although i've always had a crush on james...
oh, yea - and we discussed ken and me. a little. jesse basically told me that ken doesn't want a relationship right now (i know), and he's just being a guy. in jesse's words, "he's just like every other guy - sometimes you just gotta get your dick wet." WTF? x10. not only does that not seem like ken in the least, but ken's never gotten anything out of me. nothing. and i won't unless there's really something happening.

last night, apparently i didnt get the memo that you'd have to be wearing at least $500 worth of attire in order to get into this party, unlimited tanning-pass, blonde hair, and bloomfield-born highly recommended. except for the guys, of course. so i had ken pick me up after work so i could get my car. and i was still so pissed about what jesse said (ken doesn't know), that i just drove home and went to bed. after i'd had a few drinks. which is not like me. at all.

now i'm trying to figure out the best way to work this whole situation. ken and i have 2 separate relationships - professional (sfl) and other (friends, me wanting more). i will never do anything to mess with the former, but the latter... i'm considering taking out some effing games at this point.
por ejemplo: he rarely, if ever, calls me. not like i call him all the time, but i'm considering adapting the whole "i'm not calling him till he calls me" philosophy.
also on the possible-strategies list: ending these sleep-overs. if jesse's right, and ken's just being a guy (even if his goal is cuddling, not getting laid) then idk if i want to give in to his selfishness. it's the whole "if you're giving away ice cream, no one's going to want to buy the truck" philosophy. in a pg-rated context.
but then it's like.. who am i to speak? and who can turn down a good cuddle or a sleeping buddy? are these games really going to get me where i want to be, or just make matters worse? therein lies the true dilemma.

i wish i knew what to do.
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