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dreamiecloud (profile) wrote,
on 9-26-2005 at 9:00pm
ok so i talked to my mother today, i havent talked to her since august.

She called friday but i wasnt home, and she told my granmother she was leaving floyd, and how she has another boyfriend. and this guy had a daughter who is apparently close to my or zacks age.
My mom is looking for an apartment with 3 bedrooms so the girl and i have a room to ourselves when we're there.

the fact that there is another girl made me want to explode. it is bad enough that i stayed here because i wanted to, or felt obligated to. But now there is another girl who gets to spend time with my mother. My mother.

I should not be jealous of this girl either because she has her own mother, and on to of that, she probably doesnt like her very much anyway. most children of divorced parents harbor some sort of hatred for the person thier parent is with.

I love her so much but i have this great hatred for her. this is going to stay with me forever, i know it. I hope it is worse for her, i really do. I suppose it must be, having a daughter you were never really a mother to. I will never get over why she did not come here. Never. I loathe florida with every fiber of my being, and i realize how agitating our family can be espically to her, espically.

But the fact that her children, her son and her daughter were here should have made even the shittiest of places seem like a palace.

All the time i think of things i am really missing out on. and now its even worse, so much worse. Why? Because i am not a child anymore, I am raised, there is no more after this. I am graduating in a matter of months, then what? College. I am an adult but i dont feel like one.

Will she be here to help me move my things to college? and cry when she has to leave me at my dorm. Will she send me care packages filled with food she knows i love? Leave me silly messages on my cell phone to make my day?

i dont know. i am jealous of everyone with parents right now.
I am so angry. I hate myself for staying here sometimes. I know why did though.

when i grow up and have my own family i will never do this. i dont want my children to have to worry about things i have to, or things my peers have to worry about.
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