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|greenpixiestix (profile) wrote, |
on 9-30-2005 at 11:02am
|Music: The Go-Go's - Throw Me a Curve
Subject: Welcome back, ana.
|It's always gonna be confession time.
Highest weight ever: 155. I was 5'4 the first time, though.
Current weight: Somewhere around 135-140. Damn water weight.
Goal weight: 125-130. Less, if possible.
I don't know if you know. You may. My first memory of this was being 10, having stomach flu, losing 7 lbs in a week, and thinking, "Wow, this is SO great." I didn't think too much about it. It wasn't until I was 14 or 15 that it really became a problem. Let's be honest here. I love to eat. I can eat more than a few guys I know. Compulsive overeater? Maybe. Sometimes I eat a lot even when I'm not hungry. Then I feel guilty, and it's time to purge. Hover over the toilet, do that crazy breathing that's become perfected over the course of almost a decade, and throw it all up. Sometimes, if I've eaten a lot, it'll take 4 or 5 attempts to get everything up. Sick? Well, yeah.
So for awhile, it was binge and purge every few days, at least once a month, sometimes twice (or even thrice) a week. And sometimes it was time to fast. Yes, ana. Sometimes I'd go three or four days without eating. And the thing was, I was still a fatass.
It wasn't until I became a vegetarian that things started to work. I was 2 inches taller, and I maintained 150-155 for awhile. Yeah, not quite as much a fatass, but still a gigantic chubster. At least I felt healthier. At the height of my binging/purging/fasting, I was down to 140. "Tall and thin" is what the nurse called me when she took my measurements. I could've laughed then, b/c I'm neither tall nor thin. Average, maybe, and that's stretching it. Last summer, I ran an awful lot. This summer, I started off not really eating, ended up hanging out with a guy who encouraged me to eat. The problem there is that I eat A LOT when I do eat. Back to 155 by the end of summer. Holy shit, right? Fatass once again.
Now, I don't know what's going on. I went down from a tight size 11 to a size 7. I managed to lose 6 lbs in one week by fasting, or eating only a couple pieces of fruit a day. I've binged and purged twice within the last month. Fuck. Old habits returning? Maybe. The fasting isn't going so well. I'll barely eat for a few days, but then, I'm always weak and dizzy. Last night, I finally blacked out for a couple secs, at a fuckin' punk show, after the first three bands had played. I'm freaked out. Johnny remedied the situation by driving to Naan N Curry, where he ordered a bunch of food. I ate maybe 1/5 piece of aloo naan and 1/4 of plain naan. I dipped into the paneer tikka masala with plain naan maybe 3 times. Oy. My first thought this mornin' was that I should fast again, but goddam if blacking out wasn't scary. I don't know what I'm doing. These size 7 pants are gettin' looser, though. They were almost falling off of me last night even though I had a belt on. Good? Not if I start eating normally again.
This belongs in one of those ana communities, but I'm not quite up to par with them.
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