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THEhairybeast (profile) wrote,
on 10-5-2005 at 3:37pm
Current mood: melancholy
Music: armorforsleep
Subject: and i was living a lie.
..but i wont fall for it next time.

yeah so obviously schools been in session. its pretty much been a month. alot of good stuff has happend so far. alottt of bad. i know i cant change things. and dont get me wrong, i love the way things are with the good stuff nowadays. but i miss everything. i just dont see how it can be the same, so much has changed. fixing it seems near impossible. and is that even enough? i think its to the point where you cant go back. like, if i look at it and base my decision on memories alone, id be broken. that stupid reality that its not changing any time soon, if at all, would murder me. but then theres whats gone on since that night. and its just, overwhelming. i never pictured myself on this end of the deal. yeah, i could see it if i did do the things. id be like apologizing until my face turned blue. idk. it sucks. but that doesnt make a difference. i wrote her a note. a while ago. but considering stuff is still going on, or being said rather, im not handing it to her. cause its like if she can hate me that much then how can i expect things to turn around. some things in this entire thing just are not being realized. on both ends i suppose. maybe cause of lack of communication. or care. im not quite sure anymore. i thought it was the first one but things have happend to make me think otherwise. ive accepted that shes gone and probably will never be there for me again. but its soo hard to believe if i think about things weve done. or times weve had. its sooo hard. and i dont know. sometimes i get anxious and just want it to be fixed. or to at least give that note up. but then im reminded of why i didnt give it to her yet. and im just like, its too late. i really cant believe how much hate shes built up against me. its like im just some random bitch she didnt even know. and yeah, people get mad and are bothered by things because they care, but i really dont think its like that anymore. cause i dont see me getting a chance to talk to her any time soon. and this year is going to be very gay if i have her wanting to fight be hanging over my head, and the whole factor of not being her friend anymore. or talking to her or hanging out. any of it. everything that comes in the friend territory. i know ive been dealing with that this whole time, but still. i mean, i really thought that maybe my note could shed some light on things, and help things. and i had hope enough for the whole thing to just give it to her. but all of that was shot down. i was thinkin maybe thats the trigger to starting to end the situation. but i have no clue whats left to do now. i think its safe to say its past caring that things are like this between us. or its sure as hell strongly suggested.

dont leave me alone. dont leave me alone.
i cant stand the way the world feels when im walkng alone
love seems like a mess when it wont let go of me
when its gone i dont feel. when its gone i dont feel alive.
when its gone i dont see you.

and you cant pretend now that
you thought id forget to notice you were gone


but the truth is: its pointless. you dont care.
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