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purplesmurfs (profile) wrote,
on 10-12-2005 at 10:28am
I suffer each day know I cannot be with you. Knowing that Iíll never be the same person. Iíll never be as strong as I once was. Pain has grown to be my best friend and who I am. Never in 18 years have I felt this empty. This torn apart. So far away from everything I have ever known, loved, encountered. The feeling of nothing good ever happening again is all I know. Instead of going out to improve myself and regain my strength, I sit alone. I hide from everything. I feel so ugly. So abandoned. So worthless and used. My heart, body, and mind canít handle the judgment, the criticism Iíd receive as soon as I set foot outside. Knowing that at one time I was so happy, so free, makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me wish that someone would just do away with me forever. End everything I donít have the strength, the courage to fight for or end. Iíve thought that eventually the pain would subside. But it has only grown to be so intense my lungs canít take the heavy breathing. In my head I thought that if I pushed you away, it wouldnít hurt so much. But I turned out to be wrong. The pain of pushing you away, being so cold to you, became unbearable. Made me so sick to my stomach. Youíre the reason I canít sleep. Youíre the reason I get sick everyday. The reason I either donít eat or eat until I get sick. Instead of hating you, instead of blaming you, I hate myself. I blame myself. Because I canít stand the thought of being mad at you. I canít stand seeing you in pain. Suffering the way I have. When I am not with you, I think about you. I think about being with you. Giving you the love that you deserve. Protecting you the way you protect(ed) me. Giving you the feeling of comfort and security that I feel every time you touch me. I want to be there for you and help you get through the troubled times they way you were there for me. When I said ďI love youĒ, I meant it. I felt it more every time I said it. Apparently you didnít. Maybe you didnít even mean it the first time you said it. Maybe youíre only saying it now because you want to keep me around. Just incase things donít work out with her. Is that why you havenít answered my questions yet? Is that why youíre waiting? Because you know how hurt Iíll be. You know itís what I need to help me try to move on. Why hold onto me? Obviously I didnít mean that much to you to begin with. Otherwise I wouldnít be sitting here in complete and utter misery. Then again it is my fault Iím in this much pain. If I hadnít put myself out there. If I hadnít given myself the chance to love you. If I had treated you like all the others I wouldnít be here right now. Iíd be on at least the third one since you. What makes her so different from me? Do you love her more because she gave you something she canít give anyone else? You took away her innocence and now you feel obligated to be with her, is that it? Iíd really like to be able to understand it.
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