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LoupGarou (profile) wrote,
on 11-10-2005 at 5:29pm
Current mood: angry
Music: Professional Pirate - Muppets
Subject: Things Don't Change in Never never Land
I'm tired of it. I really am. And my parents say maybe I shouldn't be angry with her. Yes, I have the right to be angry with her because she's just conviced herself that she can't do anything alone. She has convinced herself that she's going to stay miserable in her wheelchair and that she's going to die that way. My dad, aunt, and uncle went to dinner to talk to her about what they were thinking of doing. Larry, my uncle, is moving back in with his wife in a little while, so he has to leave Mema alone.
They went there to discuss who would stay in and help her by living there. I was under the impression they were going to ask her about trying to give a damn. But no, not really. It was mentioned, and she shrugged it off completely. So now my aunt, her husband, and her two little kids are thinking of moving in for her.
1) Selling thir beautiful house to go and live with Mema
2) these are toddlers we're talking about. That means noise.
It's a stupid idea. My mom had lunch with her the next day and asked how she felt with the confrontation. Mema thought something was wrong when they first all decided to come over for dinner. When Larry told her he was deciding to move back with Ceal, Mema didn't know. The thing was, Larry had also told her she would be the first to know if he decided to move back with Ceal. Dude if I was my grandma I'd feel pretty crappy about that too.
But Mom was talking to her about some of that stuff, about trying to help her and excercise and things like that. She said to Mema: "So Win, I know you're not into the exercise thing and don't like it, etc,"
"Nope. Hate it. Don't wanna do it," came the reply from her.
I don't get it. If her doctors tell her she can do physical therapy and get help, why doesnt she do physical therapy? Everyone tells her that she should do physical therapy. Mom says that it could also be that she might have had some more minor strokes and that may be why she doesnt want to try to walk, so maybe I shouldnt be frustrated with her. But she doesn't have to try walking. She could lift her legs or do some other kind of exercise. Mom said Mema said, "I'll just keep thinkin I'm gonna die like this," or something like that. No, damnit! You don't think that way! you just don't! People shouldn't give up like that! It's ridiculous and stupid, and she has a good life! It's like commiting suicide, and to be honest, I see suicide as a generally cowardly thing to do, especially if it's because of sadness even though they have a good life. But there's the saying "this too shall pass" and to be cliche - "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." It's also selfish. I relieve their own pain, the person creates pain for everyone else around them. If there is no hope, like you're being tortured by terrorists or the world is ending and there's no way out, then it's understandable, but not if your life is actually good.
We were staying over at her house one time and she fell as she was getting up to get in her wheelchair and go to the bathroom. It was a slow fall and not like she hit herself on anything. She had the wheelchiar and bed to hang onto. But I went in to try to help her get up and told her to get her feet set so that she could push up and help herself and I get her to stand again, but she wouldn't. She hardly made the effort. I kept repeating it to her, and she still hardly did anything. If a person can't stand up themselves, it's understandable, but i really don't understand how she couldn't steady her feet to give me a hand. I almost started crying right there as I was trying to help her up.
People have told me a have a great life, and I do, and I'm extremely extremely happy for that. But I don't want it to change. How it is now is fine. I don't want to grow up, I don't feel like getting my drivers license, I don't feel the need for another boyfriend, I don't want to go off to college. I'm not ready to do it. I don't want to lose my grandma and eventually my mommy and daddy. It's time like these when I realize how hard some of those past pains hit me. In general, I can adapt, but it still hurt at the time. I've been lucky and haven't had to go through a lot of the things other people have, and I am thankful for the things that I have gone through because it does give me more of a feel for life than some other people have had, and I love the fact that I am able to accept the things and learn from them, but I'm not ready for it to happen again.
There are these cards that I have. They're kind of like tarot cards, but not. I was flipping through them and looking at all the art on the cards, and the painting of the one labeled Death really scared me. I didn't like looking at it, so I would turn it over when I wanted to lay the cards out. The picture wasn't even really that frightening. Normally I might think something like that looked cool, but it actually really bothered me, and I didnt understand why until I thought about it later. Weird how your mind works that way.
Mom knows that I get upset about the whole Mema thing, and she says maybe I should talk to her about it or something. But I know if I do that it will just make her feel bad and make her frustrated with me. When she doesnt like something, she hates talking about it, so she would get irritated with me if I tried. And then if I started crying I would feel even worse about it, but I dont think I could talk to her without it.
But i dont want her to die because she gave up on moving and trying to help herself. She's on blood thinners now to see if it will help with the whole stroke problem, but if she falls or cuts herself, she'll bruise really easily or have trouble stopping the bleeding. On one hand it would be bad if she walked now because of the bruising and stuff if she fell, but if she exercised her leg muscles and then practiced walking, she'd fall even less and be able to prevent that. If she falls now she cant even get up to help herself.
I just wished she wasn't so miserable all the time. She's not visibly miserable - it's one of those things you have to watch for in little things. I love seeing her happy, but it makes me sad sometimes too thinking that while she may look happy on the outside she still suffers from something that pains her. She went to visit my dad's cousin, patrick, in the rehab center after he had a bad stroke that made his left side so weak it was difficult for him to even move his arm. He also had to have a hip replacement at the same time. He was taking therapy at the center. Mema used to have therapy there too, and when she came in a wheelchair she saw one of the nice guys who took therapy with her, but he was still there taking therapy. He saw her and talked, and one of the things he said to her was, "Next time I see you, I don't wanna see you in that wheelchair." Then we went and visited Pat, who was doing okay. We left and she hasn't done anything to help herself out of the wheelchair. Patrick's walking now.
The more things progress downhill with her, the more I hate it. I'm fine with things staying the same for a while, or being the way she used to be, when she used to take us to Barnes and Noble to buy a book every time we came to visit her, but I don't like the way this is going, and I don't want it to happen. But I guess you can't have everything you want, right?



"But I guess it's all the work of the ticking crocodile. Time is.. chasing after all of us, isn't it?"
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