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|chuckitatthewall (profile) wrote, |
on 11-11-2005 at 10:06pm
|Music: Sad shit cheers me up..
|Fuck you if you dont like hearing me complain cause I'm gonna do it.
Everything sucks..(I sound emo now..fuck it). I am sad and its all coming out as anger and I can't help it.
I see a physcologist again..for my family again. What else??!
I'm getting a C or lower in 5 out of 7 of my classes and I don't feel like at this point I'll ever do any better. People around me are hurting and its affecting me. I can't help that either. I'm like a sponge or something..no a train. Welcome aboard Marilyn's train of fucked-upness. I hope you enjoy your ride. Don't forget to bring all your baggage and dump it on her. I'm not complaining about listening to other people's problems because I love to be there for people if they need it but I just feel so worn down sometimes. I need a hug.
Nothing is going well..my parents are still alcoholics..my grades as you know are in the fucking toilet and I'm getting flack for that. I feel helpless. Nothing I do will make anything any better so why try?! I'll tell you why--I'm a fucked up dumbass. Thats why. I hate it. You might say "Well why are you doing so bad in school. Just study more". I try that. I try to study. I really really do! Everytime I do I get distracted. In the afternoons when I get home from school I want to relax and enjoy my time alone before my parents get home and start their drinking. THen I go to my refuge- the computer because Itunes is on it. I turn it up loud enough for me not to hear the ice going into the glass and try to study but I always hear it! I always fucking hear it. Then I go on AIM to distract myself. It helps. So my homework is forgotten about and my studying is put in the back of my brain. Damn it. I want to succeed because thats my ticket out of this horrible place but its so hard to do well. You may wonder why it wasnt like this last year..I wondered that myself until I figured out that last year I didn't need to study. I could absorb enough during class to get decent grades. THis year I can't and studying doesnt come easy so what do I do? I need more discipline I suppose.
Anyway. things this year are just worse. Hopefully 2006 will be good. I doubt it.
I was thinking..I hope I die young. I think dieing when I'm 45 will be good. Or younger.. No older than 50 though. I dont want to see everyone else around me die and I don't wanna stay on Earth because things suck.. If I'm not married or if I dont have any kids I would like to die when I'm 35. I dont want to look all terrible in the casket.
I'm getting really tired but I dont think I'll be able to sleep a lot tonight. I guess I'll be going then.