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chain-wolf (profile) wrote,
on 11-16-2005 at 4:13pm
Current mood: annoyed
Music: Taproot: Lost In The Woods
Subject: The Structure Slowly Unravels
[ A nice friend wanted me to start a new journal so she could read what I had to write. I don't know why. I started one. Livejournal. Bleh. ... Whatever. I'll still be posting here though! I'll just take the entries I write and copy and paste'em. Why you ask? 'Cause I had a journal here first; for another friend. And I ain't just stoppin' for no damn good reason. Dai. <3 ]

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Fractures:
Nov. 15th, 2005 | 08:14 pm
mood: confused
music: Guano Apes: Break The Line

Entry #001 Status: Online
Uplink Status: Nanotechnology filtering through cerbral passages...
System Control Status: %99.7
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Random input. Mind disheveled and sectioned into fragments.
It's easier to drift silently through the days this way.
All these emotions and feelings suddenly crashing down my walls.
If I don't keep areas of myself locked away I'm afraid I cannot function.
The world scares me. I do not wish to be here. But here I am.
And my being here means I have to do something. I cannot sit idly by.
Nor can I terminate my current existance. My options are few.
I do not know where to find comfort. I do not know how to lament unto others.
I cannot tell you everything that plagues me. The obvious surface errors are there.
But I cannot breathe if I try to swim too far down.
Is it possible to suffocate one's self with himself?
I am in need of a complete recalibration of self. I do not know how to do this.
There are things I must accomplish. I have goals. But I cannot seem grasp motion.
It is hard to make myself stand and move to get these things done.
They need to be done. They need completion. Why am I unable to?
I...

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...Hope \\ Less...
Nov. 16th, 2005 | 04:11 pm
mood: apathetic
music: Rammstein: Laichzeit

...laichzeit!

I don't know why. I've always just wanted to complain.
About this particular subject since it was brought to my attention; again.
About people whom make journals; and empty theirs heads in them.
This is pretty much what a journal is for in my opinion.
You jot down what's troubling you. Anything at all.
All these people get worked up over somethings. Like other's.
Lets say; the extremely "emotional" or depressed.
Sometimes one's only option is to spit it all out into text.
And behind their back's; though sometimes not other's ridicule 'em.
For fuck's sake. Who cares if you can make the entry private or not?
Maybe these kids post their torment so other's may read...
...And perhaps jot down a helpful note? They don't spill their lives
onto meaningless textual pages for other's to read for nothing you know.
But anyway. I think I might sound a bit unorganized. Oh well.
A journal is a journal. Anything at all can be thrown into one.
Who cares if it's made public? You don't have to thrown down ont the matters
going on in someone else's life. Fuckers. =D

...........

Whatever.
I almost forgot what I was going to make an entry about.
But I recall now. My dilema. *Sigh.* ...
Finding a job is so tedious and annoying. Not to mention very difficult!
I'm not a people person. I have problem talking and getting my words out.
It's hard for me to get up in the morning and wander outside to even walk
downtown; even though it is a mere few blocks away. Pathetic, I know. But.
As it is... myself. My options are limited. I will not work at a gas station.
I will not serve in a restuarant. I will not work a cash register. These things
I don't want to do because I can't talk to people well enough to do them.
I find myself in a bind. A real bad position. I wish I could bring myself to get
over it but I cannot. And it sometimes hurts. ... I did however go down to the
local post office today. The guy was real matter of fact when he said they
were not hiring. He sort of sounded like he was having bad day. Not my problem.
I will not work at a food store either. I need to find something I can do that
doesn't involve my interaction with many people. I mean, I'm not so closed that I cannot work with other people. But I can't deal with people, such as customers.
I'm just hoping that the local high school has some openings. Janitorial work most likely, but I can handle that. I worked there as a technology intern one summer. I know most of the people there, having gone there for nearly four years. I feel comfortable there.

...........

What am I to do?

[ End. ]
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