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mle (profile) wrote,
on 12-6-2005 at 10:50pm
Current mood: . detached .
Music: . something corporate .
Subject:
. calm after the storm .


i totally lost it today.
i'm talking full-fledged mental meltdown, kiddies.
and the funny thing is.. the only person who knew about it was my mom. sure, paul (my boss) noticed my red eyes and tried to get me to talk (but we left it at "personal things") when i went into the office to snag a file. but no one else. because i really don't have anyone.
i mean, sure i have people for like "oh no- i'm stressed about this paper - can we get coffee and chill for a few?" but no one for the "omg i can't live with myself anymore- it hurts to breathe." you know - the life or death, crucial moments.

it's really been hitting me that the central problem is that i'm just not happy. i can't do anything for me - nothing makes me happy-it's all just obligations. i mean, the frat is getting to be that way for me. sfl definitely is that way. hanging out w/ friends is mostly that way.. i'd rather just be napping and dancing and reading all curled up in a blanket in my favorite chair at home. those are the only things that really make me happy anymore. well, with the exception of butterflies.
but it's like... how do i make it so that i love living life, not just surviving it?
answer that, and i'll give you a cookie.
because you will have saved my life.

a lot's been going on... for being such a sloth (the past 4 days). i don't feel like getting into all of the details. sorry, kiddies. it's almost time for will and grace and fall asleep.

this is all too ironic:
-ken (mr i don't think i can have a gf anytime soon bc i'm going away all next year and i'm basically asexual at this point) has a girlfriend - a HORRIBLE, ugly version of me.. i'm talking identical to me except for her face and she likes country. and is a little less classy w/ her showing off drinkingness in facebook.
-mark (that's right - my bf from like 7-9th grade) is ENGAGED. to a girl that he, at one point, described as "had invested too much time in" to break it off when he stopped liking her and realized that she's a crazy bitch and no one likes her.
-lucass (mr "when you're done with school... come find me and we'll get married") is dating lizz... and they're bad influences on each other. and, approximately 2 minutes before i was filled in this info, she tried to get me to do a threesome with them.
-genesis (from home - always had a little crush... had a nice little cuddle party over thanksgiving break) is kind of seeing someone
-andrew (from home - always had a little crush... had a nice little chat over break) is kind of seeing someone
and worst of all (well, maybe except for ken)-
- the cute boy on my study abroad.. that i seemed to click with.. basically the only hope keeping me excited for the trip... oh yea- he's got a gf. and they went to the same high school - he grad in 03 and she did in 01, so they probably have been dating forever and are probably virtually married.
found out all of this within the course of a week. and i don't know how to process it all.
ugh.
i guess- i can't really complain. friday i'm going on a date with a guy who works in the dorm. i don't think i'm really into him in that way, but hey- it's my first real date and he's a nice guy. i'll fill you in on the details later.
but i'm still trying to work on rob and anthony. it kills me because i don't know how to get it across to them that i am into them, since we know each other on more work-related bases. plus- i like them for different reasons. and neither of them are nearly as hot as study-abroad-guy. rob and ken are pretty equal in looks... ken a little higher, and anthony a little lower. idk. i'm so ridiculous sometimes. it's like.. i scope out and think constantly about guys and trying to develop things for them and vice versa... but in reality, i don't think i could handle a real relationship right now. i'm just totally in the mood for flings.. like, a month or two or three. it's like my new thing - no titles, but lots of sleeping (cuddling) buddies, a little kissing, and lots of butterflies. when the butterflies are gone, so am i. it seems all i'm capable after loving someone so intensely, sincerely, and wholeheartedly like marcus (and then suffering through a year of crazy up-and-down afterward that made the love disappear).

who knows.
i'm taking it day by day, kiddos. i think that's the only way i'll have enough strength to breathe.
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