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|highlyevolved (profile) wrote, |
on 12-10-2005 at 11:26pm
|Music: the beatles :: carry that weight
Subject: a reflection on the current state of life
|So, again I find myself wondering where this trip called life will take me? I see so many people living lives (or appearing to at least) that seem so enjoyable, so interesting. And here I am, nearly 18 with no drivers liscense or boyfriend, never been invited to a party, barely hanging onto something I can call my own. Sometimes I look at my lifen and wonder if things are always going to be this bland. This lonely, this monochromatic. And I wonder if it's really me and everything will always be this way. Maybe I'll finally admit that I've been really unhappy for most of the past 4 years, but some how find some pathetic happiness. I smile because....because maybe inside things aren't that good. I feel so sterile and bland, like white flourescent lights. Nothing interesting going on here. And I think about how much time I think about how I wish my life was. How many lies I tell to comfort myself, to be interesting. In my ideal world I would dress like the girls in FRUiTS and be faboulously japanese street fashion chic, be friends with an intelligent and creative bunch of people from formerly and/or presently communist countries and have a grand ol' time taking pictures of ourselves in our wonderful clothes and celebrate our vanity and our youth. But here I am. It's 10 o'clock on a Saturday night, I'm alone and living in a suburb of Atlanta with nothing to do but think about how lame my life really is. I wonder why some people always get what they want, why cheaters get ahead, why I can't seem to figure this living an interesting life thing out. But part of me hopes that behind all the busyness and parties, that those people are as empty as I am. Maybe they distract themselves from it. All of this is my comforting lie. And it can't last. Eventually I'll be exposed and people will see what I truly am. The dred of that day consumes me...when people will finally realize what an empty shell of a person I am.
ps, to anyone who is lame/cool/both?! enough to read this, i have two woohu journal invite code-thingies availible if you would like one