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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 1-10-2006 at 10:00pm
Current mood: wistful, and just... whatever.
Music: the fray = all at once
Subject: THE SAME OLD... POO.
once again, i pressed a wrong key and woohu woohu'ed my face off by deleting my entry, but at least it wasn't too long.

but anyway... as a disclaimer, in this politically correct world where i choose to be politically incorrect, i know i'm repetitive, i know i am possibly annoying for the sake of repetition, but this is a journal, and if you want to whine, just leave. looking at a measely website is a choice, people!

anyway. it's the same old stuff, with this person (whom i will now address as "bob"). i have everything, and satan always manages to tell me that i don't, that i'm not good enough, or whatever. the thing is, i have everything, and i know it. i'm not talking materialistically... and even if i did, it wouldn't matter. i am, of course, talking about god. he's... GOD. so much bigger than my troubles that i can't even fathom it. it's ridiculous and insane. but i always end up telling myself that this is wrong, that is wrong, ... that i myself am wrong. i know it's not true but sometimes my feelings come into play and satan clings to them like who knows what. i have the best friends, i have JESUS, and i have a family that loves me.

but with bob... the situation reminds me that i am invisible. well, not that i am, but that i feel that way. and i would just like to remind the world once again that there is no romance in this. it starts with an f and is called FRIENDSHIP. yeah, friendship with the opposite sex is actually a common thing these days (who would've known). but anyway, sorry for my sarcasm and cynicism. it's just my mood. it's an unfortunate mood but i'm not going to put on the mask, as usual.

i don't know. i feel like every time he says hey, which constitutes the ever-so-popular boy-nod, it seems like "oh, you have managed to make eye contact with me. so i guess i should acknowledge you. [insert nod here]." the thing is, i know he doesn't mean it that way. i know he doesn't hate my guts. i just feel... invisible.

i have basically given up. what is wrong with me? why do i have to be the one to always start the conversation? i'm the female! i'm sick of playing the guy's role and starting all the stinkin' conversations. but at the same time i feel like, if i didn't, nobody would.

it's just me.

trying
trying
trying.

and besides the fact that i know i'm not the only one trying, it certainly feels like it.

oh, cursed feelings.

for once i don't just want to be labeled as something, fit under a category, like the smart girl, or the christian girl, or the nice girl, or whatever. i'm not any of those things. i mean, i'm a christian, sure i'm decently intelligent, and sure i'm friendly. but it's not ME. simple words and names don't define people. if my sole identity were my faith, i would be called "autumn, the christian." but i'm not. i'm a person who loves god, but god also made me into a human with a personality.

anyway, aside from my pedantic spurt there (bump me up some EC, aldridge), it's just... ah. my head says, what is so AWFULLY wrong with me that people can't just come up and talk to me, or just come up and give me a huge hug (aside from the usuals - and i DO appreciate your hugs, and yes, you know who you are).

this is not the prince charming conversation, or the "the one" conversation. it's just my feelings, really. i mean, what suddenly and automatically made me the loser these days?

i want to start over but i know god is going to teach me, and IS teaching me, something remarkable that i don't completely understand yet. for now, i am pitifully, pathetically, and also reluctantly calling out for the world (not the biblical "the world," but people) to love me. i feel like poor meredith grey and her little speech, "pick me." part of me wishes i could have one day where everybody loved me, where i was just a person everyone wanted to talk to and listen to and respect and pay attention to. but another part of me reminds me that this is life, and right now i am being a moron about a lot of things.

i have a lot of questions, but they are selfish and i know god is trying to teach me something. for now, i am being too stubborn.

>>pray for me. ]
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