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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 1-16-2006 at 10:36am
Current mood: a conglomeration
Music: the fray = vienna
i come here with the feeling that writing will express all that i am feeling right now, but simultaneously i almost close the window out of the pure knowledge that it won't. ever feel like everyone knows something you don't? that's how i feel. it's weird. i mean, i'm not depressed at the moment, i guess just wistful, confused, whatever. it is hard to put thoughts and feelings into words when you don't even know what you yourself are thinking and feeling.

it's another cycle where, in the end, it doesn't matter that it is a cycle because you keep coming back to the same place anyway and there's no use paying any more thought to it. i just wish i could break it and start over.

i don't know, it's hard to say anything because i'm just tired. i'm doing better because lately i've been better at expressing how i'm feeling. well, a little. there are two main things. one is, i can't seem to do anything right, according to everybody, and two is, if i want to convey i feeling, i can't just say it. i have to be extremely obnoxious about it for anybody to understand anything at all. why does it have to be that way? it's driving me absolutely CRAZY. people are just... i don't know. i mean, these are the people i love, and i know god is teaching me a lot through this process, but i'm just... tired. i basically want to go outside, scream my eyes out, and fall asleep and forget anything that ever happened in my life.

so aside from the fact that that sounded very depressing, god is working, and he always is, and always will be. it's difficult when your parents think you're a freak for loving god and actually risking something for it, but it's great when you have people there who will help you. i just hope i'm not distancing myself from them. i know i have lately because i just feel set apart, and i don't know why. i think part of it was when a little something happened and i expected an apology, and it didn't come, so it wasn't brought up again.

but anyway. i just want to through something and watch it break. besides that, i'm fine, and god is compelling me to write more, and be more positive, and such. i'm just tired, i guess.

for now...

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