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|jade (profile) wrote, |
on 1-16-2006 at 6:06pm
|Current mood: crushed
Music: Last Resort- Papa Poach
|Do I have a sign on my back that says ďKick MeĒ?
I donít understand what I have done wrong in my time on this earth or maybe it was in a past life that I did something horrible and it is coming back to kick me in the ass.
For as long as I can remember, as soon as something good happens to me not far behind some thing bad comes along to rip it away.
I have been hurt so many times in my life I donít know if I will every get to a point of just being happy. Iíve been lied to by friends, family, and lovers. Iíve been cheated on and Iíve been hit by people who say they love me. Iíve put up these walls to shield me from others in the attempt to guard myself from being hurt again. I donít know how much more I can take before I break and canít be put back together again. Every time I feel like Iím finally moving forward and I start to take walls down, I get hurt again, and they just get higher.
I have lost, friends, lovers, and family.
I canít and I donít understand why people feel the need to Kick me when Iím down, or kick me to bring me down.
In the last 10 months I have lost 4 friends. When I first moved to this city I befriended a guy named Nick. We were friends form grade 4-12 and when we graduated we still hung out and talked to each other about problems we were having. He was someone I could turn to is I needed a shoulder to cry on. He moved in with his girlfriend this summer and since then we have not been able to speak to each other. I was friends with her for the last 2 yrs and she never once told me she had any sort of issues with me. I received a phone call late one night from her saying that ďtheyĒ have talked it over and ďtheyĒ feel it is best if I didnít come around or hang out with Nick anymore. He was a friend and a brother to me for almost 11 years and poof it no longer means anything. I just donít understand.
I started to get really into online video games; I enjoyed meeting people from all over the world and building friendships based on personalities. I had the pleasure of meeting so many people who were easy to talk to and fun to play the game with. When I first started to play I was a total n00b, I new nothing. It was my first time playing a game on the computer and I had a lot of trouble trying to learn. I met a guy named Brain and he was so nice, we quested together and he would tell me tricks to the game and things that really helped me. For like 4 months we would quest together and talk about school and things we would like to do and things we have done. He would tell me about his girl friend and what he was planning to do for her the next day. He would ask me what surprises would make her happy and the best flowers to get. It was fun and I enjoyed helping him. However, Bam just like that I got an email from him stating that he deleted his characters on that server and he will be switching servers to play the game with his girlfriend. He feels that it would be best if we didnít talk anymore as she is uncomfortable with it. I never did find out what server he went to and I donít know how he is doing, I just hope he is happy and alright.
There have been other incidences with the same results, both in my RL and with online friends. I understand where these girls are coming from especially if they have had as rough of pasts as I have had with my exís. I just wish that they would give me the chance to show them I donít want anything more out of there boyfriends than another person to talk to. I respect there wishes, It just hurts when I donít understand.
Iím hurting and Iím tired of it. I just want it to end. I want the pain to go away. I want to be happy yet I donít know where to start. I just want it to stop. I want it to end. I donít know how to make it end, and I donít know if it ever will.
The only thing keeping me going is someone special to my heart. I donít know if I love him, but I do know I care a lot for him. He makes me smile when Iím down. He makes me laugh when I think it is impossible. All I have to do is just look at him and every thing, all the pain, the frustrationÖeverything just goes away. Its like Iím in my own world with just him and no one can come in to hurt me. When Iím about to fall, he is there to catch me. I love his red hair, I love his laugh, I love the way he treats me, and the way he knows the right things to say. I love everything about himÖ I think I may be in love but it is too soon for me to truly know. I do know it will one day just pop from my mouth when Iím not even thinking about it and at that moment I will know how I truly feel.
Donít leave me, please donít hurt me. I donít know how much more I can take.
I just wish the sign on my back will fall off.