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|sandatthebeach (profile) wrote, |
on 1-18-2006 at 12:20am
|So...it's been awhile. I know. But I need to type somewhere that's not completely private but is somewhat forgotten. I would keep it private but I keep too many thoughts to myself and it's doing a lot more damage than good.
And I apologize in advance: this entry is about the boy.
So I admit...I've become exactly what I've always swore I wouldn't. I've become that attached girlfriend who can't stand to be away from her boyfriend. I can't stand myself right now. I swore I would never become this attached to another boy again. Not while in highschool at least. Brian left for school on Monday and let me tell you, I have not been very happy these past couple of days. Wait...he left yesterday...two days ago technically speaking. He could've left around 9 or 10 on Monday but because he wanted to check with parking services he left at 1:30...way too early. He got there...and of course...it was closed. Just my luck. My moodiness began there. I cried a lot on Monday. I was teary this morning on my way to school and during my Music Theory final, I just wanted to run outside and scream. I'm so fucking mad at myself for being this way. He hung up on me telling me I had to go to bed because I have finals tomorrow. Fuck finals...I don't even care anymore. I just want to get out of here. I want to grow and move out. I can't live here anymore...it's driving me up the freakin wall. And it's only making me hate myself more and swallowing myself up in my hatred of myself. I don't deserve to be happy therefore I am miserable. The only time I'm not miserable is when I'm with him. And that bothers me greatly...because I've become exactly what I go against. What happened to my independence? What the fuck?!!?! I let some guy throw it away...and he didn't even do it...in fact if he finds out, he'll be so incredibly mad at me. God I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking frustrated with myself. You know what? I love him. I really really love him. I know he can be a little extreme at times and do things to make people go crazy...but I don't care. I don't care. He's the first person who has actually made me feel wanted in this world. He's the only person that I can be around without being afraid of being judged. He's the only person that has seen the real me...and that scares me in a way...because I feel like I trust him too much this soon. I mean. It has been 6 and a half months....but still....I wasn't supposed to fall for him like this yet....it wasn't part of my "plan". I'm frustrated.