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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 1-22-2006 at 3:17pm
Current mood: better
Subject: REALIZATIONS. GOOD ONES.
so things are better, despite the badness of the first half of yesterday.

i realized that, the reason i feel bad for venting all the time is that i am succumbing to something selfish in me, the bad-flesh part of me. i know i am allowed to be mad, but sometimes i go over the top. lately i have been under a lot of stress, and things all happening at once... things i can't say, because i am under certain watch and scrutiny. don't bother to ask, it's not relevant. but anyway.

i realize how much jesus should be my center, and how much i am longing for that, but being lazy about it. instead of rejoicing in my suffering, i ask god why i am the one chosen to do all the crappy stuff. today it hit me. when david was talking about the kenya missions trip, i thought, "i'm never going to get to go to those things because of my parents, and i'll always be the one donating money to other people and never being able to actually GO there. like always."

it's the bad attitude. no matter what happens, i will always feel unfortunate and cheated. i think god has chosen me for this position for a reason - he knows i can do it. and i know he will bless me for it, because he blesses the obedient. i want to be obedient and say "yes" to him. i can't just have the attitude that things will never happen, because they will, and i can never know anyway because god is the great planner of it all.

i know he is trying to get to me, and he is trying to penetrate my thick skin. today foster said that, every time we say no to god, we are adding a thick layer of ice around our hearts. i believe that with all of me, because i have been doing it lately, and i feel it. i feel the distance from god, and i want intimacy back. an initial 3 degrees off later becomes 100 degrees off.

but anyway... it's good. i am just realizing more and more that my job is not to complain, that i am very blessed, that god has given me so much, that he teaches me through pain, and he is making me closer to him through that process. pray for me! i want to glorify him with everything i do, without constantly indulging myself. i want his desires to be my own!

but for now, missions meeting at 4 and church at 6. plus homework.

for now...
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