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mle (profile) wrote,
on 1-24-2006 at 9:16pm
Current mood: . disheartened .
Music: . something corporate .
. split personalities are the best/worst thing ever .

welp, kiddos, this is going to be a short one... because i have to be a functioning member of society in just a few minutes.... in other words, try to get girls on my floor to do some yoga and eat up these cookies that the dept gave me. gagmenow.

i'm such a mess.
in so many ways.

just when i get motivated and excited and ready to take on the world, reality hits. hard. and confuses the shit out of me.
i don't understand. i feel like the better my intentions get and the more effort i put into planning/replanning/unplanning my life, the worse it ends up.
maybe i should just drop everything, quit trying to succeed, and float through like everyone else who seems to be having the best time of their fucking worthless lives.
but even then i wouldn't be happy.
i don't think i can be happy.
well, for more than a few minutes/hours, that is. i am happy sometimes. and when i am, it's amazing. i'm estatic about the world, all of the people,places,things in it. i'm like drunk off happiness.
and either it eventually wears down or i get dropped and my little bubble of joy bursts and i feel worse than i did beforehand.

i feel like i struggle with a lot of things so much more than everyone else.. so is there something wrong with me, or am i just a total baby/overthinker? i'd like to hope a combination of the two, but who knows...

i just want to feel content, successful, fulfilled.
i want to be loved and to love another, to be open to sharing my life with another person instead of being so god-damned self-focused all the time.

i just want to be in control.
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