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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 2-11-2006 at 4:50pm
Current mood: lsfdakl.
Music: the fray = how to save a life
Subject: "NOTHING IS RIGHT."
just having one of those depressed days again, who knows why.

i feel out of place. today in the car i told god, "nothing is right, everything is all wrong, and i'm screwed up."

i don't know exactly why.

this is where it goes to show that the facade, the outside success, means nothing to my relationship with god. sure, i made all-state chorus. a great guy likes me. people (for the most part) find me respectful and godly. i make almost all a's. i got a 102 on my math test. my teacher thinks i'm a good writer.

but it's nothing.

none of it.

the world can never satisfy me, or anyone else, and god is certainly making that clear. i just feel like i'm in limbo, in between groups, but never part of them. i feel alone? i feel alone, i guess. i feel like a struggling christian in my family, i feel like i haven't helped in leading anybody to the lord, i am selfish and lazy and i should try but i'm sick of trying. i'm so tired. i want something extraordinary to happen, i want to do something extraordinary for god, i want so DESPERATELY to break out of this routine. it's killing me. i want to be right with god, i want to DO something wtih my life!

lately, the smallest things have been staying on my mind and bringing me down. yesterday was a decent day, but when i went prom dress shopping with my mom, i went nuts. once again, none of the dresses fit, and everything always fits my mom, and i let satan get to me and tell me that i'm not beautiful, that, "autumn, you are the outcast. you always will be the girl who can't fit into dresses, you will always be the girl who has to wait and be patient, you will always be the girl to get the short end of the straw, you will always be the one to be left out of everything - you're not in core, you're not running, you won't get invited to mack and meredith's wedding because you aren't in core, you will always be putting up a facade, you will always be on the bench, you'll ALWAYS be the one..."

and i believed it.

i believed it.

i believed it.

why am i so sensitive?

i asked god what was wrong with me. what's wrong with me? why do i feel like this? what's wrong with me?

i wish i could just start over, but at the same time i know that i can start over every morning, every second. i just don't feel that, because i feel like everything is totally screwed up, everything is messed up, irreparable, unfixable. i see a huge wake, a huge mess behind me, and i try to fix it, and i know that only god can, but i feel powerless and stupid and confused and angry and everything bad.

and then, the next second, i'll be fine, and i'll tell everyone i'm fine. but there is someone inside of me, somebody trapped, somebody screaming for an escape. i need HELP. i can't do this on my own. i can't do this on my own. i just wish i fit somewhere. not in the world, not in a worldly sense. but i just wish i fit somewhere, whether it be core or whatever.

and i know that i can never have a "romantic" relationship with somebody (aka dating) unless i deal with this, give it to god. i can never let somebody love me and care for me when i can't accept myself. i don't want somebody to be a substition for me, a person to fill in a hole that i can't seem to fill myself. jesus needs to fill that hole, and nobody else.

but i'm so, so, so, so, so, so tired and sick and exhausted of pushing people away. i wish people would come to me, instead of me trying to come to them and failing every time.

maybe i'm not trying like i say i am.

but i don't know. i know i'll be "fine" the next day. what it boils down to is me and god, and the fact that i really need to spend time with him, more than anything.

i need jesus. always.
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