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dmlxoxo (profile) wrote,
on 2-12-2006 at 2:49pm
Current mood: angry
Subject: NEWSFLASH: i am not a doormat.
i resent the fact that people think i'm weak- because i'm not.
just because i'm an easy target doesnt mean that i'm not strong enough to hold my own. fuck it, i do it all the time, just people don't see it. just because people make fun of me and tease me all the time and i refuse to say stuff back to them doesn't mean im too weak to deal with it. i deal with it inside, i let it weigh me down, and i spin it apart inside me until i can unburden myself.

thats just my nature. i can't talk back and say mean things in my defense that i don't mean. its not me to just say shit to someone's face just to make them mad because they made me mad first. and as stupid as this may seem, no matter how much i take, i just keep on taking, sometimes even without considering ever hurting the person for retaliation.

to tell you the truth though, i'm sick of it. its tiring to go through each day with certain people making sure that you don't say things so you can be safe from the mocking. there are some people that i can't even be myself around anymore, and having to act in front of them makes me upset. i shouldn't have to mask who i really am just to save myself from being beat up on.

there are people who look for things to make fun of in me, and they admit to it too. they've flat out told me that they make fun of me more than they tease other people because i'm the easy target who doesn't fight back. but i know, just as others who know me well know, that one of these days i'm going to be pushed too far. and then, everything that ive been dealing with inside all along will come out. the walls will break down and it'll crash damn hard onto whoever it is that pushes the wrong button. so much has been pent up the whole time, i just don't understand why people feel the need to take advantage of the nice guys. just because i'm an easy target doesn't mean that you have to take advantage of that. i am not a doormat, and i do not want to be walked all over. it may come off as vulnerablility, it may come off as a weakness, but its really not, you all just don't see whats going on underneath the surface, you don't know whats been brewing for years.

and one of these days i'm going to be pushed off the deep end, and the shit's going to hit the fan. its only a matter of time.
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