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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 2-12-2006 at 8:24pm
Music: dana glover = thinking over
Subject: NO PLACE TO EVEN START...
this week has been pure insanity, and it has been the best and worst weekend of my life.

everything has been colliding - corley's grandmother is on her last limbs, and i want to be there for her always, and i want her to cry all over me, because i know that she needs it, and she needs jesus, and she needs us, and...

my last entry, i was pretty messed up. tonight on the way back from church i cried my eyes out and took about four detours to take the longest route home just so i could bawl and talk to god. this talk was definitely good, even though i was mostly jabbering and reiterating and making god look like a stupid idiot. but anyway, things are going so much better between me and him. i am reading my bible more and god is placing people all around me to help. i will run into people at places, people i know who will sit down with me at panera (tiffany) and ask me how i am with god, and have a deep, honest-to-god five minute conversation that is devoid of ANYTHING shallow.

i just... feel like an idiot. i feel like i screwed things up between me and someone, i feel like i handled it all wrong, and i feel plain stupid. i feel like i should've kept any thoughts in because i knew they would be repeated. with the person who is repeating things... i want to let him know i trust him, but i need to know that i CAN first.

i always felt like things had to be going great for me and god to be close. but this weekend made me realize that all this bad crap is making things between me and god so much better. i am progressively relying more and more on him instead of me. my friends have been holding my hand throughout everything, always praying for me and talking to me and understanding me wholeheartedly.

everything has just been coinciding and stressing me out. corley's grandma, jessie coming to town, my future and college, relationships with certain people, things with my parents, missing my brother, NEEDING to talk to people but being afraid, and all the while, god is saying, "obey me! don't make decisions based on time. be patient, wait for me!" that is so hard for me because i want so badly to be in control, i want the security of knowing.

my friends. they never cease to amaze (and amuse) me. i have been able to talk to all of them personally this weekend. they love me so much, and i realize that completely, even though we all have our moments. but, more than anything, i know we are sisters, and i'm sure of it. i know we will never leave each other, we will always be there. they are incredible and beautiful young women in the lord, in everything.

on another note, i am content with the fact that i know god has reserved a place for jeffrey. i have always wondered if people lacking the understanding of god made it to god's kingdom, but don said how babies and people lacking that mental capacity are up there with jesus. that makes me so overjoyed.

so this week will be crazy, but i know jesus and i are getting closer. he is so amazing. he sets me straight.

"be my guide."

aut.
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