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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 2-16-2006 at 5:18pm
Current mood: amazed
Music: bethany dillon = imagination
so i did enjoy valentine's day, despite the fact that there was no rose on my desk, or a love letter, or balloons resting on my parking spot. but the funny thing was, it was okay. i realized, mid-V-day, that god is an awesome lover. he sends me sunsets and flowers, he sends me the moon. he sends me himself. he knows everything about me, everything, and he loves me... totally, and completely.

lately i have been asking god to reveal himself, to be CLEAR. yesterday he did something so INSANE that it blew me away.

so my mom doesn't want me to go to kenya, she doesn't think it's safe, just like last year, and etcetera etcetera. and i was just coming to grips with that, despite my constant melancholy anyway...

when yesterday at panera, meredith (one of our youth leaders) came up to me and said, "autumn, i just wanted to tell you something. i had a dream that you and i were in kenya together."

to somebody else, that could be just a little thing to laugh about, or a little thing in any sense. but it was so remarkably CLEAR to me. my mind froze. completely. that was from god! and then i was listening to my all-state music in the car, and one of the songs is called "go where i send thee." i told god about eighty times that he was crazy. and for the past forty-eight hours i have been incredulously telling god that he needs to show me that this is real, that it will work.

the first deposit is due this weekend and my mom has still managed to blow off the subject. i'll bring it up and she says it's dangerous, i explain how kenyan violence is between kenyan tribes and not against americans, and deep down to me, it doesn't matter to me if i get killed or whatever. but i'm so afraid to tell her that, because i know she'll freak and be overprotective. i know she is being a loving mother, but sometimes i have this intense longing to escape from it all.

last night our small group talked about dating and such. it was awesome because god taught me more about the one i want to be with - that i should pray for the qualities that will balance with me, that god will show me why certain people don't fit with me, to pray for that man always. it's a crazy thing.

but anyway, god is so nuts, and i've been telling him that 24/7 lately. we are definitely becoming closer, though, through this insanity.

katie lanni gave me the sweetest letter today with a picture of us from the formal last year. she is so beautiful in every way - not because she made me feel good with this letter, but just because she IS. she's so sweet, always has a good attitude, is so great to be around because you feel like you are at home with her. she's so cute and great and funny, and i feel like i have known her forever.

god is amazing. amazingamazingAMAZING!

this music makes me pensive and wistful...

love, aut [not a command].
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