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moonshinehommie (profile) wrote,
on 2-22-2006 at 11:24pm
Subject: hey guys tell me what you thing please!!!!

The only thing that I see is that black box and the only thing that I am thinking about is that for some reason I thought that it would be pine. Seems fitting though, being black, like the moment. It hurts to look up, I canít stand to see what is up there I just keep my head down on my chest staring at my stupid black wedge penny loafers. He hated these shoes, he always said they made me to tall, I donít know why I choose them this morning they donít even fit me right. I have to wear big socks with them because I bought them a size too big on accident. The tile on the floor is cracked just below my right foot, I canít sit still so my legs are swinging back and forth underneath the pew seat, and the crack is bothering me, why couldnít we get a place to hold this that wasnít falling apart? I think we owe that to him.
I canít stand the droning of this guy he has no idea of the severity off things for me, heís talking like he knows him, knows me, but he has no idea. Hell half the people in this place didnít even remember his name until they saw it in the paper, his parents never knew him nobody did, except for me. Now even thatís not true, I will never know him anymore. Heís gone.
When I first met you I didnít even know if I really wanted to be with you. Things were so different between the two of us I just figured I was having one of my flings again. But the way you would talk to me like you have known me forever after only three days would catch me off guard and make me wonder why I ever questioned it. It was a hard decision though I had to leave a three year relationship with my boyfriend at the time and I wasnít even sure if I was ready to do that. I remember almost convincing myself that you were the right choice for me, telling myself that you were the right choice I had to get out of the hell I was stuck in. Iím not quite sure if you know this but I convince myself into a lot of things, you see I canít really make any choices because I am always to afraid that I wonít be happy. Being happy to me is the only thing I want, I donít want to end up like my father living in a shitty trailer, with a person that I barley even know for ten years and get drunk every night just ease the pain of a life that never happened. It killed me; I had so many what ifs. What if you and I only lasted a month or two and then when you were done with me I would just be alone again wandering around in my mind with lifeless thoughts. What if we fall in love and really does work where we go from there would you be able to treat me right? Your condition was so bad at the time I thought for sure we would never make it. I never told you these things because you were never good at understanding my way of thinking you just couldnít you were bad at those kind of things.
I told you that I loved you, but you didnít say anything back. I said it to early on in the relationship and I remember feeling like crap that night lying awake in my room, depressed more like, that I would do something as say ďI love youĒ after only three days into our relationship. But I couldnít help myself because for the first time in my entire being I knew that I really truly meant every word. Four days later you did finally tell me that you loved me and you caught me so off guard that I started crying. Thatís the best way though I think that you could have done it, right there on my parents back porch sitting in little plastic chairs in the middle of a conversation about my hair. That night was second night I slept with you and I thought it was so cute how you snored in your sleep, later on I began to tease you but I just wanted to let you know that I liked it, it made me feel safe.

Today was the first night that I have slept without you in two years. I didnít sleep, I tossed and turned and cried. I moved out to our living room thinking that being in the center of our house would somehow make things better, but it didnít. I couldnít stop crying my eyes hurt my nose hurt and most of all my stomach hurt. It felt like someone had taken all of my intestines and organs out and laid them on the floor. I threw up four times just the agony of knowing that you are never going to be back to greet me to say hello when you would walk in the door after work and swing your beautiful arms around me and go ďgive me a kiss poopheadĒ I loved that. I just wanted you to walk in the door one last time.
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