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ladymcgrady (profile) wrote,
on 2-25-2006 at 12:08am
Current mood: confused
Subject: sigh
I feel the urge to write and if i dont give in i usually go crazy with pent up emotions so here goes...i dunno what i wanna write about lol i think sumthin is wrong with me...well i know many things are wrong with me but yanno...i've been so nervous and panicky lately and i think itz causing the stomachaches and chest pains...and itz really weird cuz usually work gets me like this but this wuz a good week of work...and itz the one i felt most anxious...on two separate days i felt like i wuz gonna pass out for no reason...usually itz from being tired or not eating but i actually ate and felt fine but outta nowhere i got these hot flashes and i felt my face get really hot and the skin around my temples/upper cheeks got really tight and i really thought i wuz going to pass out, i never passed out before but i dont think it would be fun...well i didnt pass out and eventually i felt a little better but i dunno...there's nuttin to be nervous about but i'm alwayz shaky inside and i hate it...so i tell myself that i'm gonna quit being so shy and social-phobic and make myself go out there and i dunno what...be outgoing i guess...and i think that by trying to repress the nervous feelings, that just gets me more nervous cuz they're not being let out...i'm like that, if i try to calm down the opposite usually happens and i freak out...maybe i should try to freak myself out and then i would be calm haha yeah...i just hate being like this and when i tell people i'm social-phobic they just laugh or tell me to grow up and get over it...it is a disorder yanno itz not sumthin u get over...i've gotten a LOT better since high school but some things never change i guess...baby steps and maybe one day i'll "be over it"...i'm starting to sound angry but i guess i just get frustrated cuz no one else that i know understands how i feel, and i dont wanna spend a ton of money to go to a psychologist just to get pills to take, i wanna work through it some other way, i dunno i'm tired and i'm starting to get worked up again so i'm off to bed...i'm feeling better that i got this out though...leave comments if u wish....
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