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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 3-19-2006 at 9:38pm
Current mood: honest
Music: the fray = trust me
Subject: SOI'MGONNABEHONEST.
so i'm going to do something many people attributing themselves to christ DON'T do: be blatantly honest with everyone on how i am with god. why? because life is not daisies and butterflies, and i think it is a common misconception by many nonbelievers on how christians are: skippy-doo and high off life constantly. honestly, often i'm not. i'm a little happy now, but overall, things have been crazy.

as of now (i say that because god is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY unpredictable), i'm not going to mexico or kenya. last sunday god really convicted me that i should trust him with this, let him take care of it and not worry about it. i messed things up, i should've told my mom earlier and been more specific and punctual about things. i didn't trust god with him. i doubted him from the start.

corley and miranda told me something amazing that i subconsciously know to be true, but i certainly haven't been feeling: god is my first parent. a greater parent than my mom or dad. it's his say on whether i should go to kenya or not, not my parents', and he is so big that changing their minds is little to him. he's god! i've realized lately that i've been undermining god's sheer greatness - that my parents are no match for him. that he can change anyone. i guess i have always been used to earning things, so i assume that i have to work for god to touch somebody i know, that i have to work for god to forgive me, because society says "work work work!" as a matter of fact, society prepares us for school from toddler-age so we can go to school for what, 13 years, only to move on to further schooling to embark on a hunt for a profession, then meet "the one," have kids, retire, etcetera.

i'm sick of the american dream.

it's a load of CRAP. i will never forget the story about that couple who retired and now enjoys their yacht and walking along the beach looking for seashells. what a WASTE of LIFE. to retire from what, life? to let the people around you become invisible. i will never retire as a christian, i will never retire missions, i will never retire being one of god's. ever.

so when kenya and mexico were a no (i hate saying that because god isn't finished, but at the same time my doubt inevitably comes out), i was mad at god. i'll be honest. i was mad, and part of me is still upset. i've been making about me, i say, "god, when will i have my chance? what about me? what about ME? how come i have to wait longer than everyone else?" i just feel so frustrated. i feel like the nice person who gets nothing. or at least, i felt that way. but when i look at god and see how good he is, i know i will be entirely blessed for waiting, and i know it will be amazing.

that is so hard for me. i'm used to not waiting, for things to come when i work, for society's karma to come. but god is none of those things. god is god.

i haven't been reading my bible a lot lately, either. i want that desire, and i do have it - i'm just lazy, and it's sickening to me. that lifestyle. i hate it, but i live it?

i don't want my life to be a routine.

I don't want to live every day the same, unless "the same" entails me glorifying god every day.

i don't want to be lazy.

i don't want to waste my life.

i don't want to allow people to go to hell just because i'm scared.

why am i scared?

anyway, i know god loves me and that i don't have to earn anything. i want to glorify him out of sheer desire, out of the capacity of my love for him.

i do love him.
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