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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 5-20-2006 at 11:26am
Subject: GOING DOWNHILL. FAST.
as the day/week/summer goes on, i realize that i am going downhill. fast.

i wonder how i am living in this house without going crazy. i feel like i'm being nagged constantly by my mom, on every little thing. my GRADES, for god's sake. i'm top 8 in my class and my mom just gave me a lecture about doing well on my exams and not blowing it. i mean, you have to know the whole situation to understand what she was saying, but i want to tell her that she's adding to the pressure that i DON'T need right now.

i feel like something's wrong with me. EVERYTHING'S wrong with me. like why my best guy friend in the world wouldn't tell me something until i talked to him first, yet he easily told other people. i guessed right, and he told me that it was because i'm just miss perfect, according to the whole freaking WORLD.

it makes me wonder if ANYONE knows me. at all.

i feel like nobody does. i feel like, along with that, nobody really cares either. call me emo, but i think this is all just me being human. oh yeah, i forgot, i'm not a human. i'm perfect.

and now i feel like we don't act normal around each other. it was kind of awkward. yet with other people he told, they're cool. i am ALWAYS the bad guy. WITHOUT FAIL. i just want to get out of here, go to college, live on my own and become a hermit or something just so i don't have to deal with anybody, don't have to fix anything.

i feel like - and partially feel like i know - that i will always be the angel friend, who has never done or seen or known anything wrong, who is too holy to talk to about anything. like oh my gosh, i've never heard anybody curse before, i've never heard of drugs or partying and have never known anybody who has done anything "wrong." i am a walking human, a walking bowl of mistakes, just like everyone else. i shouldn't have to jump from a building or embark on a massive murdering spree to prove that. or, for that matter, party, or have sex or something.

this is ridiculous. my life is a ridiculous, and every day is becoming a walking nightmare. every time i come home i put up a the defensive, wondering what the heck i will be nagged for next, what i should do to be better in general. i wonder if i will be lectured about my parents again, or shrinked by my mom. i am not a little kid anymore. i wish i could be treated like a responsible adult.

and once again, full-circle, i am the bad guy. the bad kid who gets hurt when her mom said something she understood differently. and then i'm the bad guy for that, for being hurt or offended. and then i should say sorry, and then it's this circle again. i wonder how many times i will be in this exact place. probably tomorrow, or before i leave tonight, or sometime soon.

yeah, i know, i'm a bad guy to everyone else now for writing this. call me a heathen, call me a hypocrite. i feel like i CAN'T BE HUMAN ANYMORE. like there's no room for mistakes. you know how tiring that gets? not being human is logically against my
human nature.

i don't want your advice, and i don't want anybody's. the odds of me knowing what anyone will say is high.

i just want somebody to UNDERSTAND. sometimes understanding is more important to me than having someone condescend to me about, once again, what i am doing wrong.

anyway, i'll regret writing this because it's not beautiful and flowery and oh-life-is-so-pretty. but, to be honest, i've checked my grade online today about exams. my mom lectured me, and i freaked out. this is my life. welcome to it. you won't be amazed and won't be amused.










trust me.
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