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Jacqui-Chan (profile) wrote,
on 5-27-2006 at 12:01am
Current mood: crushed
Music: silence
Subject: bonfires...
I'm never going to get what I want, am I? I'm never going to be able to do stuff that I went, have a late curfew, have a guy love me back. I'm not going to get what I want ever. Why can't I just except that? Life is not going to work that way... it never has, and never will. His friends are always going to talk badly about me, they're always going to think I'm a loser, a bitch, a controlling freak. I'll never fit in, and he'll never let me. I'll never kiss him, hug him, hold his hand, or feel his touch again. I'm always just going to be his friend. I'm going to be his friend in the way that Jamie is, not the way Katie is. I'll never be the one he hugs and messes with and gives back rubs. I'll never be the one he flirts with and laughs with. I'll always be the one who's making him look like an ass. I'll always be the one trying not to cry. And in the end I'll always end up going home repeating over and over to myself that he doesn't matter, and that I'll find someone better.

I'll never be what he wants, but I'll always be what he needs. And I'll always love him... even though I won't always like him. I hate the pain I feel... it hurts worse than anything ever has before. And trust me, I know pain... I really really do. Physical pain is nothing compared to this. I just want to be the one he wants. I want someone to want me too... and I want it to be him. Why do I have to still want him? Why do I still have to love him? Why can't he just still love me?

Why am I even asking? I'll never know the answer... but I'll always wonder... and I'll always miss him. Always.
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