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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 5-27-2006 at 1:57pm
sorry for the depressing and vague nature of my most recent entries.

unfortunately, this entry is not going to get any better.

i can NOT be my brother's mother. i am still a CHILD. i cannot hold the weight of my family and my family's problems on my shoulders. be strong for ME. be an adult for ME.

why is it that i am feeling like the adult around here? i can't write in my journal without my mom questioning what i'm writing. why's that? why is it that, without fail, every time i come in the driveway, i agonize over what lecture my mother's going to give me about my parents, or what she'll cry about?

why do i have to worry about these things all the time?

a lot of the time i never want to grow up, but these are the moments that make me anticipate the moment i'll pack and leave this house, leave this drama i don't need. i'm mad that my little brother, who doesn't understand ANY BIT OF THIS, has to put up with it. he doesn't get why his mom is sad or crying in front of him. he doesn't understand, but he needs a break. he can feel when something is wrong. i wish i could just take him with me.

they said it would never be about taking sides, or me getting involved, but it is. i'm the mediator. i'm the parental espionage, supposed to take notes on what each parent says so i can report back to the other.

oh, did i mention i'm sick of the low whispers? if you have something secretive to say on the phone, go in another room where i can't hear you.

don't make me feel bad for you all the time. i don't need that, don't you understand? especially when you always tell me it's not my fault and i can't do anything about it. don't tell me that and then act like i CAN fix things. don't speak if you can't do it without crying. go to a room and compose yourself. you are an ADULT. i know this is hard. and it's ALLOWED to be. you just don't understand how hard it is to live in a house where the mood is always so depressing. nobody can function in that environment without going nuts.

i am not the head of this house.
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