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|fadingintoblue (profile) wrote, |
on 6-3-2006 at 12:57am
|Current mood: upset
|There are moments when I feel pain all the way down to my toes, and then I feel ashamed, because the pain is fueled by pity, and I should have finished with that in high school. I'm trying to be a different person. I want to have good friends. I want to be cared about. I want to be able to stick up for myself and actually win. And I especially want to get rid of pity, any pity. I will accept empathy and sympathy, but I don't want any more charity emotions. I don't like feeling below people.
The problem is that I can't really change. I almost always defer to other people, because I'm so accustomed to thinking of myself as lower. It's a feeling that's been reinforced over and over, and I don't really know how to stop. I dealt in high school by avoiding other people. I don't want to do that now, because I want friends. But wanting friends makes me eager to please, and doormats aren't highly valued. People use me, and I know it, but I can't change it. And sometimes I'm happy to be used, because at least I'm not lonely, but it still makes me ashamed, and, lately, angry.