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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 6-19-2006 at 12:25am
Current mood: confused
Music: the afters=beautiful love
Subject: MY TIME AND THE MYSTERY OF HIS.
i know this is making me closer to the lord, but it sucks. every second of it. every sinking feeling and missed opportunity. so much that it's killing me. it is tearing me apart, and i don't even know who i am anymore.

i am seeing more about my parents that i don't want to know, and i am seeing it affect my little brother. most of all, i am wanting the older brother i always needed, but feeling that i never had him in the first place. even if he is there, and tells me he is, i don't feel it. i need a shoulder to lean on, i need sympathy.

the past two times i've come home from a trip, i start having headaches again. i wonder what it is. it reminds me that this physical home is not my home at all, that my place is with god, and i know i am drifting from that.

i just want my time to come. my time, when i can go on a missions trip for once, and be free, and have my parents actually want me to go. i want more than anything for god to change my parents' hearts, and i know he can, but everytime i see the truth i am totally confused as to how the heck that will happen. but i see the startling future they would have if he didn't change them. the future that is only coming closer as i begin to see them without each other, their own personalities more magnified.

i don't want to be strong for everybody. i don't want to have to hold it back when i want to cry just because everyone else is. I AM STILL A CHILD. right now i need parents, i don't need to be their parent. i'm so sick of all this, i just want them to understand god and understand me and that god would want me to go on a missions trip.

i'm so sick of this. these past two days have killed me more than anything, but i know it's growing me. it sucks but it's growing me. i want to have a happy day again without worrying about what my dad is doing or the truth about my parents' relationship or about staying strong for all of them when i SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

i am everybody's shoulder to lean on.

where is my shoulder to lean on?

i feel like all my capacity for human-ness has been sucked out. i wish god would just scream something out at me instead of whisper it, but i know i am forced to listen when he whispers. i'm just being selfish now. i want to be heard. because i feel like i haven't been, especially by my parents. i am screaming out to them - in so many ways than literally - that i need them to be my parents. i need them to be responsible and not inflict their own problems on their kids. i don't want my little brother to break because of this, i don't want him to be confused about the way my parents are acting. this is NOT HIS PROBLEM, and though i am more than inclined to act as his parent, that's not my place.

i guess the thing is, i don't want him to ever lose his innocence. that's something god has given him - this innocent way of losing his anger quickly, of not understanding the world's corruption, and because of that, it not affecting him like it does us. but i praise god every time i remember that he has a place for jeff with him. that is one thing i am more than sure of.

pray for me. advise me, but don't condescend. that is the last thing i need right now. i need god, first, and my friends. they are meaning so much more to me every day, with all the things they tell me and the things they mean with what they say.

god, help me to be happy for those who have taken the opportunity i missed. pick out the one i'll marry, so i don't try to. make him perfect for me - i know you will. make it so i don't repeat the things my parents have done, and show me clearly when you want to send me off into the missions world. show me what you want me to do with my future, because i want to spend it with you, and glorifying you. help me through this phase that really sucks like insanity, and thanks for bringing me close to you, because that reality is better than the reality of it sucking. i love you, and give me the desire to read your word and be like you, even when everybody - even the people i love - aren't. show me who i am through you. heal me. i'm sorry for all the mistakes i've made because i love you and i want what you want for me, even though sometimes i act like i don't in the heat of the moment. you know who i am, and i want to be that person you made - not the person i've made for myself, or that others have made of me. i praise you for making me worth more than people sometimes treat me. show that to my friends, too, and my parents. change their hearts like you have drastically changed mine, but let them know it won't be easy. i thank you that you're real, and that you work and answer prayers and that you walked 2000 years ago and will walk again. come into me, i ask that of you. i mean that. break me. that's a crazy request, but i trust you. help me to trust you even more. work in me and do the work, instead of letting me try to fix things on my own. i love you, i LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. thanks for bringing the kenya people back safely and showing them more than they could ever learn at home, and convince my parents RIDICULOUSLY so they understand my desire for you and your desire for me to go on a trip. be with my brothers, and show my brother he has self-control. be in him, and show him something i could never tell him. i want him to know you and understand you. BREAK HIM, because he's not broken. you know him, and i don't, but show me who he is so i can help him and love him and help him more. help me to love myself, show me my talents so i can use them for your glory. help me to write a song that expresses you! and give me the courage to sing it. show me your plan and help me to yield to it. i want to yield to that plan.

yours all the way,
aut.
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