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brucerey43 (profile) wrote,
on 8-7-2006 at 2:57am
Music: Earshot-Someone
Well I have been in a mixed mood lately. Getting lots of stuff done before I start school the 22nd. I have been feeling lonely and sad lately.......... really needing someone who I can talk to and be close to and just feel intimate with. Not to say that I don't want to get laid, but thats not my top priority because emotionally im still sort of still wrecked by everything. I've been through a nightmare, all alone and more scared than i could ever imagine. The one person who was always there for me loves someone else and can't make up her mind, plus she lives in Missouri and I live here so whatever. I am becoming more and more convinced that will never work by the day. Aside from that, not that anyone cares but I still semi like Adrienne. Shes really cool to hang around, but seeing as she always wants to play games and shes with Nate its useless. I also have begun to like Dee more than her though, shes really cool but in all honesty I have no time for a relationship. I really have no social life at all anymore, there are soo many nights when i really just want to slit my wrists sometimes. I can always find a reason not to though, sometimes its the smallest things that stop me. People would be surprised because I'm usually cheerful and upbeat around everyone. I cut myself a few times in high school junior year when I got really depressed, but i never tried to slit my wrists so to speak and I still haven't tried to do that to this day. Aside from that I am really excited about the start of classes, I need to get my mom back working again but that seems doubtful. She seems hesitant and to be honest, I know shes messed up but shes not bad enough to where she cant work and/or get disability. She expects me to keep supporting her and keep trying to go to college. Sooner or later something will give if it goes on for long enough. I make really good money for my age, but between my bills and her I'm close to $2,000 a month in bills. I can barely break even, sometimes not even that. I am thankful for my grants and scholarships because it gave me $5,600 in extra cash this year after tuition and books but its still hard. At work I am actually less stressed out than at home, its like when im home I always have something to worry about or my mom blaming me for not doing a good enough job taking care of her. She wants an amazing lifestyle, and to be able to essentially retire even though she never saved a dime and does nothing but complain. She acts like she has it horrible when this is the life she built. I really need someone who understands and can just sit around and let me lay beside them and watch tv. The problem is that no one really understands, the pain and the lonlieness that I've gone through. I'm sure I will be fine but damnit I just want to be able to be like a normal 19 year and actually have real friends that care. I honestly believe if i took sleeping pills and ended up in the hospital no one would come visit me, how sad is that. I honestly just dont know anymore, I will survive but only because I am strong like a rock and crazy enough to keep running on nothing.
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