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imaqinary (profile) wrote,
on 10-15-2006 at 6:38pm
Current mood: hopeful
Music: Dolphins game on t.v
High Hopes... Too high?

Are my hopes too high in life?
I would really like to know the answer to that question... I mean.. The least of my hopes is wanting the Dolphins to win. I want to go to Juilliard, the best performing arts school in the U.S. I'm hoping we move really soon. I'm hoping that Alyssa and I are together forever.
Is it all too much to be hoping for?
My dreams are really big... are they too big?
I'm dreaming to be a Broadway singer. I dream of Alyssa and I getting through all of this.
Broadway? Is it too much to dream for? Too high? 1500 miles... is that too much distance for a relationship? I have my days where I think nothing is too big or too high for me, but then, like always, there are the negative days. The days where I don't believe I sing good enough, don't believe I'm a good enough girlfriend. I don't know anymore. I try so hard at everything I do, but maybe it's not hard enough.
I want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect teenager in general. I want to be the perfect singer, the perfect actress, the perfect dancer. But most importantly, I want to be the perfect friend and girlfriend.
Alyssa means everything to me. I want to be everything she wants, but I can't. It's really hard. I hang out with Anjane & Aly to take my mind off of being sad but I end up sad anyway because Alyssa gets mad at me. I try though. Really, I try. Of course I'm going to make mistakes, although I hate the fact that I do. I really wish I was perfect. Then I wouldn't get into fights with anyone, I wouldn't be criticized. Everyone would like me and no one would be mean to me. It would be amazing. I could do no wrong. Then, & only then, I could be everything and then some that Alyssa wants.
But, I can't. I can't be as perfect as I dream to be. I'm sorry for that. I can't look as perfect as I want. I can't act as perfect, sing as perfect. I can't always say the right thing. I'm sorry.

Enough with my philosophical rant though. Two months until I can see her beautiful face in person again. I miss it so much. Being able to hold her and kiss her, whenever I wanted almost. It seems like she's been mad at me a lot. I don't really know what I do, but I guess that's where the "not being perfect" thing comes into play. There are going to be plenty of things I do wrong. I'm sorry in advance. I wish I was perfect but I can only change myself so much, & even then I still wouldn't be perfect.

I love you so much baby & I want to be with you forever. Really.

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