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aushpog (profile) wrote,
on 11-5-2006 at 2:31pm
Current mood: upset
Subject: A FAILURE.
it's how i feel but i know god doesn't want me to feel that way. i didn't make all-state - not even the first cut, which means they think i suck. does it hurt? yes, because i was two points from making the highest choir last year. now i can't even make the first cut. i'm embarrassed, yes. i feel like i can't do anything right. my second SAT scores were almost 200 points lower. failure. i had a migraine this morning. failure. i lead a bunch of seventh grade girls when my life is a mess. failure. i'm selfish because, meanwhile, a girl i know is on the brink of death, and i don't even know if she'll be alive in two days. failure.

i know god can and will use this, but for now, things suck. i am putting my worth in things that will wither and fade, things that do not and cannot change the fact that god made me in his image, and he wants to rescue me. meanwhile i keep hearing this voice in my head - "you're not smart enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not GOOD enough, you have no talents, everything you were once good at is all rubble now." i know it's satan, and i know i'm believing him.

i want to be free.
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