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fadingintoblue (profile) wrote,
on 12-11-2006 at 8:54pm
Subject: Because I feel like being introspective, damnit
I...don't know. I know I'm not a happy person, but I also know I'm not a terribly depressed person, at least not usually and not at core. I'm just worried. I thought I would stop getting anxious about things once I got myself into a better situation. But not so much, I suppose.

Things freak me out. They always have (and always will?) and there doesn't necessarily need to be a rational reason. Most of my freaked out-edness comes from social interaction. And I keep wondering if maybe I should see a counselor about it. I'm pretty sure I have either a generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I know what goes on in my head, and it scares me.

I get anxious over things like calling people, ordering things in a cafe, asking for books off the reserve shelf in the library (which seriously hurts my research papers), requesting books or periodicals from other libraries (also hurts my research papers), going to professors during their office hours or even making an appointment with them, people I don't know touching me, getting food made to order in any of the dining halls, going crowded places by myself (particularly malls and dining halls), making doctor's appointments, picking up medication, certain hand gestures, not having clothes that match (even socks, and I like it if even my bra and underwear match everything too), breaking any sort of rule even if it's minor, going new places (particularly alone), taking public transportation by myself, crossing the highway by my house (either on foot or by car, though I can cross other highways), seeing doctors, randomly running into people, walking in the woods at night, and looking into mirrors in the dark.

And while I'm getting better at things, slowly, sometimes I'll be fine with something and then freak out about it again later. And it definitely has an effect on my quality of life, but one of the things that makes me anxious is making doctor's appointments, so if I did get to the point where making an appointment at the health center to see someone stopped making me freak out, then I wouldn't really need to see someone, would I?

I'm pretty sure there's nothing else wrong with me, though. I had a shitty school experience which definitely made me depressed, but I don't think I'm depressive or anything else. I just think I need to learn how to not freak out so much, and I think I'm doing a terrible job currently.
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