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|imaqinary (profile) wrote, |
on 12-18-2006 at 3:58pm
|Current mood: confused
I mean, life isn't suppsed to hurt this much.. right?
Every damn decision I've made recently has, I feel, been wrong. =\
Alyssa came back to Homestead =] For good! So yeah, almost the entire time she's been down (About a week), we've been talking about breaking up. It's all my fault. This all happened because I'm "confused".
I love her. No confusion there. I still somewhat love Mike. Complete Confusion! I started talking to him & I shouldn't have. I don't want to hurt Alyssa anymore & I never want to lose her as my best friend. =[ She told me that we'll always be best friends and that she'd accept it if we broke up but I know it would be awkward for a while & oh gosh... I don't know. There's a big part part of me that wants to be with her so bad but then there's the part that tells me we should break up. She said she'd always be here for me & that breaking up would be easier for me... but it would still be hard because it would be hurting her. God... I don't want to hurt her anymore. I love her so much... but I've lied to her too many times although I didn't mean to. I've lost her trust. I wish she knew how much I really do love her. =[
I'm acting the same way I have in every relationship. I'm a horrible girlfriend. I think in some subconscious way, I'm afraid of commitment. Things being final. I don't know. =[ I wish I knew how I felt about everything.
Things should start getting better... I'm getting over a cold & my voice is coming back, slowly but surely. I'm also getting withdrawn from school this week because of home-schooling & then the next 2 weeks are Christmas break.
I haven't wanted to do it in a while, but I remember what it feels like to want to die.
I want to now.
"The fame & praise come
year after year
Does nothing for these empty
-Jack's Lament, Nightmare Before Christmas