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|mysin (profile) wrote, |
on 12-28-2006 at 5:55am
|Current mood: Gave Up
Music: Mercy Me - I Can Only Imagine
Subject: We are all very awake...
|Too any one who read this I am sorry. I am sure I have burned you in the past. Im not asking for forgivness or anything. I am just saying sorry. What has been done has been done and what bridges have been burnt are ashes now.
Its funny, for only a very short time we where on top of the world.
Where I am at in my life, I never wanted to be. Today I broke down and cried infront of a friend. I remember when I set out and left my family behind I swore to not end up in the situation I am in. I have borrowed from everyone to pay for bills. I have borrowed from the family and I swore to myself to never do that. I remember years ago bitching about living in a house where I was told I was worthless. That was my fault, I could have left sooner, should have. My father telling me I wasnt going to make it, I could have gone to school to become something that was more than him, should have. Friends that I betrayed and feeling sorry for myself, I could have stood up for myself, Should have. I have to admit, I put myself there because that was where I got the attention I needed. I could have fixed all those problems that where meaningless, I should have.
I should have done alot of things back then, because now what Im facing is actual life, I should have been more prepared. Because of the government, I can only refer to him as my life partner. But he is my spouse. Is dying of cancer. It came back when we started dating. A year later we have just one chance to take the cancer out of him, but the survival rate is so low because his body is too weak. I know deep in my heart that he will make it, the only problem is that he lost his job and now has no insurance. One of his surgerys was to be today, but its going to happen. Let me tell you we have to decide. We have to choose to take a chance and go through with the surgery and go up against the odds, or accept he is going to die in a very short amount of time (six months maybe). A real problem I never wanted to face. If something happens to him, its the last time I let someone close to me. What really sucks, is inorder to pay for his insurance he had to work 160+ hours a week so that means I saw him less than 6 hours a week. I dont see him smile, laugh, I dont talk to him much anymore because he is at work. He stays away from coming home because the house we are staying at is my sisters and we owe for so many months worth of rent. Our phones will get shut off in two days.
The money situation is so bad, I owe friends and family 3000$ and no way to pay them back, I owe collections probably 5000$ right now and havent responded to their attempts to collect money. I cant get a job because every time I did he needed me and I had to quit or was fired because I choose him over them. My family ruined this holiday again and I have stopped trying with them. They dont accept Mat because in their eyes he took me away from them, when if they opened their eyes It was them. I have turned down friends to hang out with because Mat was going to come home from work the same day they had off. and now they have stopped trying because they know what I will say. Where I am now, with him being at work now 24/7 I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life. I too have stopped laughing, stopped smiling, and deep down I finally gave up trying to be happy. Every time I thought Mat and I would finally have a chance to catch up and get our selves out of this whole, something fucking happens. I would never tell him this but if is fucking Uncle hadn't gone and killed himself and mat go down there for a week to take care of the financial stuff we would have fine. Thats the only thing I want to blame. Every other problem could have been fixed if I had just moved down to lewiston with him. I would have been there for him. His Pontiac wouldnt have been stolen, Alan and Stacey wouldnt have broken his Jeep, His family wouldnt have stolen money, Sprint wouldnt have taken money from him, when he was in the hospital I would have been there, his dog would still be alive, he would still have the house he bought.... Everything is my fault for not going down there. I dont know how long we have until Sara kicks us out of this house. Hell, I dont know if I'll make it if he dies. I know I promised people I wouldnt do anything like that, and I have made sure to never break a promise like that, but with my world gone and nothing but a whole left behind that I cant dig myself out of, what reason is there to live? No one, and I honestly mean it now more than ever, no one can consol me, no would be able to comfort me, no one can help me now.
I just wanted to say sorry. Maybe things will get better but Im tired of thinking that way and the next minute have everything that could go horribly wrong, happen.
Again Im sorry if those who read this I have burned you before. Sometimes you just need to only say sorry.