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|aaron (profile) wrote, |
on 5-16-2007 at 9:40am
|Current mood: Ha! That's ironic.
Music: Slice up and not across
Subject: The sum of all power
|There is a line that divides the calender of my life. Wide, cascading across more than a year, consuming memories and hurling them into blank oblivion. Before this line I was controlled by the forces of my mammalian (1st level subconscious complex) instincts. Rage, love, sadness, joy, happiness, sexual attraction: They said jump, I said how high. The switch was on and I could never turn it off. I existed in first level, or modified subconscious. Hyper-responsive disassociation. I knew this before. What I didn't know is that Abilify, a supplement of apiprozyl I believe, completely severs the neuronal interaction between left and right lobes of the brain. A gamble, since your cognitive conscious must reside in one. This was the left brain, for me. For a year, I was without true emotion. The summer of 2005 is when the drug finally ran out of my system. I remember the exact moment, the flow ceased. It was like when your ears pop and suddenly you realize how deaf you were before hand. The world became visibly brighter. So what then? I've been loosed for two years. My initial thought when Roberts was telling me this was that I would have started over, and my emotional complex would be as well synchronized as a two year olds. Not so. In fact, my emotional complex is flat out not synchronized. I haven't actually switched it back on (as clarification this doesn't mean I'm emotionless).
All this is to say that intellectual and emotional stimuli do not tie in with each in my brain. Everybody does this. As a child learns about the world around it, it learns to associate emotions with certain thoughts or actions. If they have a father whom gets drunk, comes home, and beats them they learn to associate alcohol with pain, and thus with fear.
I don't have that anymore, at least not on a large scale.
I know I have a few, and I can remember when they were made. Certain songs, memories, voices- Some trigger something inside me. Most don't. So I get to go back through and attribute emotional responses to intellectual stimuli. I get to reformat my perception of events. I get to decide how I think about the world, starting at a cognitive purely logical frame of mind and working up the most ambient emotions.
The sum of all power.