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|sweatingblood (profile) wrote, |
on 7-9-2007 at 7:28pm
|Current mood: cynical
Music: Flogging Molly - Selfish Man
Subject: Propelled through all this madness, with your beauty and my sadness; I'll never change
My dad once told me, "You've got alot of hate raging inside you son, you don't blow that flame out, it'll burn you up". I blew him off at the time, but I think he may be right. It's been the focus of my life for as long as I can remember. The government, cops, stupidity, myself, my mom, religion, countless individuals, money, the list goes on. I used to think it was fuel getting me where I want to go, but as Pops said, the only thing burning is me. I've found myself in the same situation I despised in Odessa. All work, no sleep, no friends, brushes with the law, and now, no money. And why? Hate. My life here was pretty good for awhile. I had friends in Josh and Ionna, and I was dating Dana. Hate was absent for a time. Then I told Dana my age. She couldn't handle it, and honestly one can't blame her, she's significantally older than me. But that familiar rejection sent me back into the spiral. I hated Dana for that. Because of that, Ionna is now scared of me and avoids me whenever possible, Josh only associates with me during work, and the far too familiar world of drinking alone, fighting, and spending more time in the company of the law than I'd like to has returned. Now, logically, I'm 3 states away, entirely new people, and drugs are totally absent. The only constant in this equation of misery is myself.
Fuck. But what pisses me off even more is the fact that the Dana situation bothers me. I don't like that someone can affect my outlook to that degree. I don't like that I'm too young to date the women I like and respect. I don't like the fact that Dana is still crazy about me, and I her, yet for some reason she sees my age as a wall. But mostly, I don't like rejection. Especially from a woman I opened myself to. I don't even know why I try. My track record is less than admirable. It's funny though. I like to come off so callous, say that I'm not looking for anyone, you know, the typical "bad-ass I don't need anyone" mentality.
Yet at the same time, anytime someone looks in my eyes and say they love me, be it a girlfriend, a friend, my sister, or my dad; I have to look away so I don't burst into fuckin tears.
*sigh* Anyway, sorry for the long entry. Apparantly I needed to vent.